


can't you see i'm falling apart, love (want to fall together?)

by AmbroseRivers



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Florist! Phil, Grief, Healing, M/M, Minor Character related Assisted Suicide and Serious Illness, Phandom Reverse Bang 2017, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Youtuber! Dan, prb 2017, survivor's guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-17 15:10:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 37,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13079562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmbroseRivers/pseuds/AmbroseRivers
Summary: There are five stages of grief but no one told Phil Lester that you cycle through them until they wear you down to the point where you have to smile for an invisible camera but when a Youtuber stumbles into his one-man act... can he finally let that persona drop?





	1. Denial (Phil)

**Author's Note:**

> This has been a project in the works for months (Since August, if I remember correctly) and while it is still not complete, I decided to post it as is.  
> This was written for the lovely Kathrin (kthnwss on Tumblr) who gave me her vision to build upon and polished by the amazing Sofie (PoisonedMind here on the Archive- check her out!). I had an amazing team (literal saints who pushed me to keep going when all I wanted to throw in the towel). We are still working on this together to finish it so stay tuned! {Honestly? I didn't expect it to be this long- Oops.)

“I promise I’m alright.” Phil sighed into the phone wedged between his ear and shoulder as he caressed the furry pod of the bulrush hanging in a pot. The holder swayed slightly and sore eyes followed the hypnotic movement and for a moment- a blissful moment- it was quiet in his mind.

“You don’t sound alright.” The gentle lilt of Cornelia’s voice forced him to focus and Phil dragged a hand across his eyes. “Martyn is worried about you...you had sleeping problems even before--”

_“You really should come to bed.” His voice was a soothing rumble as he snaked his arms around Phil’s waist. “It’s getting late.”_

_Phil had hummed in a half-hearted agreement. He remembers he had wanted a moment of peace…_

_(Who was he kidding? He didn’t have to tell small white lies anymore. He had wanted a moment to pretend that there wasn’t change in the air, that Aiden wasn’t trembling and leaning on him heavily, or that his face wasn’t scratchy with dried tears.)_

_“What time is it?” He had murmured instead and when he heard the answer, he made himself giggle. “It’s still early!”_

“I’m _fine._ ” Phil reassured sharply before softening his posture, forcing his stiff shoulders to lower. “Really. Just played Mario Kart for a bit too long last night.”

Phil wondered when he had become so adept at telling lies. It used to be that whenever he tried to say any kind of untruth, it would stick to his tongue like honey. The words slimy and fighting to stay in his mouth. They still do, he supposes with a wry chuckle as he pushes his hair away from his face to kneel beside some roses.

He’s just gotten better at forcing the words through the cloying barrier.

“If you’re sure…”

“I am, Cor.” Phil presses his thumb against a thorn carefully and watches it snap under the pressure. “Really.” He picks off the flower’s lost defense and flicks it away when he notices a tuft of blonde hair peeking over the top of the table beside his van. “I’ve got to go. Give mum my love.”

As he hung up, tiny hands came to a pot and he rushed forward to steady it before the child could pull it to the floor. Twinkling grey eyes met his and Phil laughed heartily in surprise.

The sound startled him.

_“You need to smile.”_

_Aiden’s fingers carded through his hair and Phil resisted the urge to hiss as the strands were suddenly pulled. He kept his head against Aiden’s hip, drumming his fingers absently against the other’s blanket-covered knee._

_“I do.” Phil defended, pulling the corners of his lips upwards._

_“You know that’s fake.” Aiden’s fingers ghosted across his lips before jabbing lightly at his teeth. “Since when have you used no tongue?”_

_Phil felt his cheeks warm. He buried his face with a groan at the familiar tease. “Shut up.”_

_(He didn’t say: Please stop talking. Don’t act like nothing has changed._

_Never stop talking. I need to hear your voice.)_

_“Since we were about seventeen, right? That’s- what- five years?”_

_“Six.”_

_Aiden’s palm slid across the nape of his neck, stroking the hairs at the back of his skull. Phil raised his head then his torso to kiss his boyfriend with gentle kitten licks into his mouth and he knew, **knew** that he was in over his head._

“Darcy!” Phil managed to squeak through his suddenly tight throat and she launched herself at his legs, squealing. “What are you doing?”

Darcy ignored him in favor of making grabby hands at him and demanding, “Up, Phil. Up, up, up.”

He shook his head fondly before scooping her up to prop her on his hip- just as a flushed and panting Louise rushed down the pathway. Her eyes flicked across the park, refusing to settle on anything until they caught sight of Phil and her daughter.

“Oh--thank go--” Louise wheezed as she made her way towards him, resting a palm against the bright yellow body of his van. “I’m sorry, Phil.”

“It’s okay.” Phil reassured, bouncing Darcy absentmindedly before beaming. “You dyed your hair! It looks good!”

Louise rolled her eyes even as she took in deep gulps of air. Her fingers touched the wind blown blonde strands for a moment before she gave him a wide, tooth bearing grin.

“Thank you.” She said sincerely before putting her hands on her hips to give Darcy a stern look. “What have I said about running off?”

“I was just going to see Uncle Phil!” Darcy grumbled, twisting his dirt-streaked apron in her fingers. “He’s not a stranger.”

Louise pinched the bridge of her nose as Phil jumped in. “You still shouldn’t run off, Dar. You could have been abducted by aliens!” He crossed his eyes at her and Darcy burst into a fit of laughter.

Louise joined in before mouthing a silent “You are a lifesaver,” and Phil inclined his head in acknowledgement before he set Darcy down in the open door amongst the pots of different plants. She seemed content, rubbing the broad leaves of a ficus lovingly.

“Don’t touch Loki.” He warned as he did every time before he was engulfed in a tight hug from Louise. “Oof! Lou?”

Louise squeezed him tighter and he patted her shoulder in short, hesitant thumps before settling his chin on the top of her head. “Are you alright?” He murmured, feeling strands of her hair tickling his cheek as she stilled.

She shook her head.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Another nearly imperceptible side to side motion.

“Alright.” He brought his arms to give her a reassuring squish before she stepped away from him, running her fingers under her waterline lightly. “I’m here if you need me.”

“I know…” Louise replied softly, raising her gaze to keep the tears gathering there from sliding down her cheeks. “I’m fine. Just give me a minute.”

Phil pursed his lips but said nothing, merely glancing out of his peripheral to check on Darcy as his friend steadied her breathing. The little one had crept up to Loki and he could see her lips moving as she squeezed the brown pot between her hands. She had a habit of rocking as she sat and sometimes her face would get too close to the cactus’ thorns for comfort.

Like now!

Phil spun around.

“Darcy.” Phil called out to her, keeping his voice low but firm. Darcy immediately settled on her bum and blinked wide, bewildered eyes at him. “I don’t want Loki to hurt you. He has thorns and if you swing too close, he might hurt you on accident.”

“I was just talking to him!” She defended but still scooted away from the plant with a pout in Phil’s direction. Phil raised a hand to cover the smile stretching his lips and forced a cough. “He’s eating and mummy and daddy talk to me while we eat!”

Phil was about to continue the familiar squabble when the sound of someone clearing their throat behind him had him jumping, turning once more. His cheeks were probably scarlet with how hot they felt and his heart skipped a beat as his lips parted.

It never got easier talking to strangers even with how long he had been selling his flowers and plants but he enjoyed it. He wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

(Maybe he would. For one thing. Well, _person_.)

“Hi! How may I help you?” Phil greeted as Louise quietly moved past him to make her way to Darcy. There stood a girl with a sweet face, framed by short hair with tight goldilocks ringlets leaning into the man at her side who shot Phil a winning smile, bright green-blue eyes sparkling with mirth.

“Your flowers are so lovely!” The girl complimented as she reached out to run a fingertip down the petals of a yellow rose. “I had to drag PJ along so he could get some ideas.” She turned to the man to wink at him.

Phil watched the way PJ’s eyelids lowered as he gazed at his girlfriend with a look that could only be described as fond. The man didn’t move to wrap an arm around her waist but gently bumped her with his shoulder, lips quirked in one corner.

“It’s to help Dan, Sophie. You know he can be a bit daft when it comes to surprising Ruth.”  PJ shook his head before nudging her with his hip. “Besides, you wanted to come over here. It was a win-win.”

Phil watched the girl’s cheeks tinge pink.

“Do you have any geraniums?” Sophie questioned him, and Phil nodded before moving to the brown shelves beside his van.

His vision seemed to be fuzzed at the edges. His limbs were leaden as he grabbed the pot, so much so that he pressed it closer to his chest and squeezed it tighter than normal. The dull throbbing that had been drumming against his temples since he got up this morning suddenly spiked, but he ignored it to smile at Louise who raised a brow in concern.

He turned back to the people visiting his plants and placed the bright orange geraniums on the table. The girl let out a small awed breath as she studied the leaves, poking gently at the blooming flowers, and patting the soil.

“They are so bright.”

“I try very hard to take care of my plants.” Phil supplied shyly as he shuffled his feet before continuing in a confident voice. “This is a horseshoe geranium. It is a gorgeous plant but if you plan on giving it to someone...you should know that it’s means stupidity.”

Phil jumped slightly as PJ roared with laughter and Sophie reared back on her heels.

“Oh my god!” Sophie squeaked, biting her lip to contain her own giggles.

“That’s--” PJ gasped for breath and the rest of the words tumbled through his guffawing. “Actually perfect. I need to bring him here because--I bet he didn’t even--and she would--”

PJ couldn’t even complete his sentences, sides heaving and wheezing with his need for air.

Phil could hear Louise’s stifled gasps and Darcy’s high pitched squeals and he finally let himself break down, throwing his head back and an ugly hissing laugh ripping from his lips.

_Aiden was rolling him on the grass of the field, and Phil tried to ignore the fact that his yelps were loud and (just a bit) unmanly._

_“We are going to be late for Art!” Phil groaned, squirming away from the fingers skimming up his side, causing him to jerk. “We’ve skipped too much! I need to pass this A level!”_

_Aiden was breathing heavily as he let his weight fall on Phil, knocking the breath from his chest. Aiden’s eyes were brimming with warmth, hair sticking out in tufts from Phil’s resistance, and the beauty mark on the apple of his cheek was popping as he panted._

_“You worry too much, Dibbit.” Aiden used the childhood nickname as a gentle jab as he laid his head on Phil’s chest. “You’ll be fine, love.”_

_He was warm and boneless as he stole the air from Phil’s lungs, but the blue eyed boy didn’t mind, burying his face into sweat-damp locks. Aiden pressed even closer, jabbing his hipbone painfully into Phil’s flesh and he grunted._

_“You’re hea--”_

_“Of course. I’m going to be a stripper while you’re off at uni.”_

_Phil stared at him for a moment before hissing an ugly, restrained laugh, and Aiden cupped his cheeks._

_“I love you.”_

“I’m sorry,” Sophie apologized breathlessly as she patted her cheeks. “That took us off guard and…” She glared at PJ’s still trembling form before grabbing his elbow lightly. “It might be better if we came back. Will you be around tomorrow?”

Phil had calmed a bit and answered, “I will! Feel free to stop by.”

“We will.” PJ wheezed as Sophie turned to lead him away, giving Phil a small wave.

There was a dull pulse in his chest as he watched Sophie slap PJ’s arm as they strolled down the path. His eyes stung, and the space around his shoulders felt too light- an arm was supposed to be draped there...there was supposed to be a comforting presence behind him...deep rumbles encouraging the plants to grow.

The blossoms of the geraniums were suddenly bland and Phil fought down a whimper as he caressed a petal.

_No, please. Don’t take this away too._

_I can’t do this. I can’t…_

_This is a cruel joke. He has to be…_

There were small arms around his neck and a solid presence against his side. Darcy was clinging to him tightly as Louise rubbed his back.

He wasn’t crying, but his chest was rising and falling too quickly to be a comfortable tempo, and he could feel flames licking at his throat. He raised his right arm and patted Darcy’s back tenderly but the other was crushing Louise, and he felt himself losing stability as his feet slid in the dirt.

Louise was fighting to keep him upright as he swayed, and Darcy was tugging on his hair as she peered into his eyes.

“Are you okay, Uncle Phil?”

 _“No. I haven’t slept since Aiden took that poison, and why did he have to? Why couldn’t he have stayed alive a bit longer for me? Am I selfish for wanting that when he would suffer?”_ The words crashed against his teeth and threatened to overflow. 

_Don’t say anything._

Darcy’s eyes widened and filled with the tears that he couldn’t shed himself at something she saw in his face. He opened his mouth (a bit too late) to respond and her soft cries had the flames searing his throat and his nose threatening to run.

_Say something. Don’t let her cry._

“I’m just tired,” Phil said, because it was a truth he could tell, and Louise was shushing Darcy softly, trying to gather her against her chest even as she still held him. Darcy howled in protest at Louise’s prying fingers, and she crushed her tear-stained, snot-smeared face against his neck. “It’s okay. I’m fine,” he soothed distractedly.

_Just a little sleepy, nothing to worry about. Just a one-off thing._

“He’s just sleepy, sweetheart,” Louise consoled as well, tapping her fingers across her daughter’s spine. “Why don’t I take you home to Daddy, and I’ll get Uncle Phil some coffee to help him feel better? I’ll even invite Uncle Chris.”

_Do you think he’ll make me laugh? I don’t want to laugh anymore._

Darcy still didn’t let him go, but her sobs lessened slightly at the suggestion and she hiccuped, “Uncle Shane, too?”

“Uncle Shane is away at a convention. Remember Mummy was going to go to it? In California?”

_Smile for them, Philip. You’re okay, you’re fine._

Phil raised an eyebrow at Louise’s statement but stroked Darcy’s curls and forced his voice to lilt playfully. “Uncle Chris will come and cause trouble. Uncle Phil might have to lock him in the coffee shop and leave him there for the aliens to abduct!”

-

An arm was thrown across his shoulders without warning, and Phil snapped his head up from his palm, where it had been bobbing without his permission. He relaxed at the sight of Chris’ straight fringe, crooked smile, and amused eyes.

“You scared me,” Phil grumbled as he shrugged Chris away with a sharp jerk of his shoulders, shooting a small, drained smile.

“You look like shit,” Chris drawled, dropping down into the red booth opposite of him and clasping his hands on the table. “When’s the last time you slept, mate?”

Phil pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, suppressing a sigh at the light hearted inquiry before leaning his chin in his hand once more. He pursed his lips as he rolled his eyes good naturedly.

“With your mum,” Phil quipped, watching Chris light up at the jab- the smile lines etched into his face deepening as he ducked his head to snicker. Phil fluttered his lashes at his friend exaggeratedly.

“So you’ll shag my mom but not me? Where’s the love, Phil?” Chris gasped in mock hurt, clutching his chest and placing his right hand against his forehead in a ‘woe is me’ gesture.

Phil curled his fingers towards his mouth as he suppressed the evil cackle that wanted to escape. He drummed his fingers absently.

“Ew. I walked in on the wrong part of this conversation,” Louise grimaced as she distributed their drinks and situated herself beside Phil, bringing the porcelain cup to her lips to sip at her coffee. “I really hope you boys realize we are in a public place.”

Phil’s ears flushed a light rose while Chris merely snorted into his own cappuccino.

“Sorry, mum,” Chris sang.

Louise glowered at him for a split second before a surprised yell of pain erupted from Chris who doubled over in his seat. Phil gave Louise a side eye as she brought her cup up for another sip before giggling lowly.

“Fuck, Lou. You nearly broke my ankle!”

“Serves you right.” Louise declared, tossing her hair over her shoulder before placing her cup on the table as she regarded Chris with sharp eyes. “But why are you still in London? Shouldn’t you have gone to the convention with Shane?”

Chris shifted uneasily in his chair, hands coming up to cup his warm mug, his fingers fiddling with the rim. “I…” He began before leaning back to study Louise with his own intense scrutiny. “I could ask you the same thing. Why are you still here in London?”

Phil felt Louise go rigid beside him, studying how she pushed her shoulders back to sit straighter. He reached over to place his fingertips on her wrist for comfort just as Chris squeezed her palm in a single, crushing grip before drawing back.

Phil didn’t move.

“I-” That single syllable was broken in a way Phil had hoped that his friends’ never would be, and he scooted closer to Louise in an unconscious protective gesture. His heart was thumping wildly, and he fought the shivers creeping along his spine.

_“He’s going to do it.”_

_“Do what?”_

_“D-”_

_The word cut off and Phil couldn’t see anything but the curtain of salt burning his eyes. He didn’t want to say it because it would surely suffocate him. The pain. The agony. The hopelessness._

_He had heard of dying from heartbreak but could it happen when Aiden was still alive?_

_“Death with dignity. Aiden...he’s going to…”_

“...a divorce.” Louise was whispering now, and Phil let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding, removing his hand from the blonde’s wrist to draw her into a side embrace. “We tried to make it work but it became obvious that...it wasn’t…” Louise was starting to sniffle, resting heavily into his side. “I couldn’t go to the convention when…”

Chris stood and Phil scooted, pulling Louise along until the windowsill was digging into his back as he balanced on his hip. Chris perched in the small gap they had made to wrap an arm around Louise. Louise leaned her head on Chris’ shoulder, and the two boys locked unsure, distressed gazes as their friend began to cry in earnest.

“Lou, Lou- shhh- we got you,” Phil murmured comfortingly. “It’s okay. Just let it out.”

“I’m sorry- I didn’t know,” Chris apologized, lips twisting in a painful knot. “I’m sorry, you’re hurting, Louise. I’ll beat him up if you want me to?” The last word’s inflection raised in a last minute question, and Louise gave a brief watery chuckle before coughing, shoulders jerking upward.

“You are wonderful,” Phil declared as he reached over to smear Louise’s tears away with his other hand. “You are so bright, Louise. You’ll find someone who suits you for who you are now.”

“You are lovely,” Chris added softly, arm constricting around Louise’s waist. “Brilliant.”

There were still dark-tinted rivers running from Louise’s eyes, and her cheeks were still blotchy with red patches, but her heaving chest had calmed and she was giving a watery, unstable smile.

She removed her head from Chris shoulder slowly, and he dropped his grip on her to wiggle his arm until it was freed from behind her back.

“I’m sorry,” Louise rasped before swiping her hands across her cheeks. “Oh, my mascara--”

“You look fine.” Phil reassured as Chris’ teeth snagged on a dry piece of his skin on his lip before he blurted out:

“I didn’t go to the convention because I’m quitting YouTube.”

Phil’s mouth opened into a small ‘O’ of shock while Louise’s hands froze in their fussing over her ruined mascara to lower so she could lean towards Chris, giving him her full attention. He watched as the brown haired boy’s hand twitched before he left the bench.

Louise immediately shifted to give Phil more room, but he was preoccupied by Chris’ bowed head and shuffling fingers.

The quiet drone of idle chatter, soft thunks of glasses on wood, and clanking spoons circled them as Chris continued to fidget. Louise rubbed the remnants of makeup from her cheeks while frowning at Chris’ refusal to speak, and Phil finally withdrew his arm from her shoulders and settled himself more comfortably on their seat.

He let out a sigh as his hip throbbed before lifting his discarded spoon to drag it through the flattened goop that used to be whipped cream.

“Right.” Phil began, swinging his dripping spoon towards Chris. Tiny flecks of white rained down on the table and coffee splattered the surface carelessly as he continued. “I thought you enjoyed making videos?”

“If this has to do with hate comments, I will personally go and find them to tell them off myself,” Louise avowed irritably, fingers coming to fluff her hair.

“It’s not the hate comments, you know that I’m not too bothered by those.” Chris lifted his chin so he could peek from beneath his fringe before scrubbing his fingers through it, leaning back with the half-smirk Phil knew meant that he was trying to mask his unrest. “I just...I can’t take the pressure, you know? Worrying about views. You realize that I haven’t done a proper comedy act?” Chris was full on rambling now, fingers drumming faster and faster on the surface of their table. “I mean- I just sit behind a camera and…”

“Hey. Hey,” Phil interrupted before Chris could properly work himself up. “I watch your videos. You are funny.”

“But I haven’t really done anything!” Chris sagged where he sat, seemingly to curl in on himself.

“You have,” Louise countered, sliding her drink closer to Phil so she could rest her hand on Chris’, stilling his endless movements. “It’s your job. It’s normal to get tired of your job. If you need a break, take one but give yourself time to rest. Don’t just quit.”

“You can see if you can perform in clubs until then,” Phil suggested, tapping the spoon he had been twirling absentmindedly against his mouth. “You’ll feel like you're making progress while stepping away for a bit. YouTube is flexible so it should be okay, right?” He wanted to make sure that Chris would be content in the time that he wasn’t actively producing videos. He had dabbled in editing and video production in Uni so he had an inkling of how much work Chris put into the skits he shared.

“It should be…” Chris trailed off, leaning back into his usual reclining position.

“You have us to help.” Louise pointed her pinkie finger as she went to take a gulp of her coffee, wagging it scoldingly at the other. “I won’t let you starve. At least,” She hummed contentedly at the vanilla coating her tongue before sticking it out, “Not without a reason.”

That worked.

Chris chuckled and Phil snorted, dipping his spoon into his own beverage and tossing a clump of congealed cream at Chris’ arm.

“I’ll feed you whipped cream.” Phil didn’t miss a beat and blinked as both his companions dissolved into giggles. “What?”

“Don’t say that!” Louise managed as Chris blurted at the same time: “Is that a promise?”

Phil merely dipped his chin bashfully, and let his fringe flop into his eyes. Chris regarded him with tremors of mirth before dropping forward with his elbows on the table with a flourish. Phil watched his nearly untouched coffee slosh over the rim and heard Louise grumble, “Chris!” before zeroing in on Chris’ expectant expression.

“What?”

_Have I got something on my face?_

“Oh, come on!” Chris groaned at him, lips spreading even wider across his cheeks. “What’s new with you? We have a divorce--” He lowered his boisterous tone to a gentle murmur as he bowed his head towards Louise before it returned with the previous grandeur. “A career crisis!” He motioned to himself as he wiggled his eyebrows before pointing at Phil. “Come on! You have to be the lucky one, Phil!”

Phil fought to keep his breathing normal as he reached for his cup, ignoring the stickiness covering it and smearing on his skin. His eyebrows raised (and he pleaded for the tell-tale crease to not form between his brows) as he took a calculated drink.

_“I’m lucky, Dibbit.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because I had you.” Aiden leaned back and took a deep breath, the plastic tubing in his nose shifting as he watched Phil’s thumb rub circles on the back of his hand._

_“You still hav--”_

_“And I get to say good bye. Sometimes, people don’t but I do. Though your face kills me.” Aiden wasn’t looking at him as he talked. Phil tracked his pupils as they roamed the ceiling, watching as his nose started to redden slightly, how his cheeks bloomed with the same color._

_It was when Aiden slouched towards him without a thought and brought their foreheads together… their exhales mingling between them (and oh, if he could give Aiden life from his own inhales, he would) that the words tumbled from him._

_“You are going to kill me.”_

_“No. You’re already doing that yourself.”_

“I guess I’m the lucky one?” Phil broke in before Louise could splutter inarticulate, unhappy noises at Chris. “I mean...I’ve just been working tons since Aiden…” His throat seized around the two syllables that represented the person who had become an integral part in his definition of ‘love’ and ‘eternity’ and he fought to finish the sentence, but instead it trailed into his faux relaxed breathing.

_Don’t worry them._

_“You’re already doing that yourself.”_ Aiden’s words drifted through his consciousness unbidden, and Phil wanted to thrash his head so he didn’t hear them, but he didn’t.

_It’s fine. I’m fine._

“I just haven’t been doing much.” Phil shrugged one shoulder.

“You need to get out, Phil. It’s been three years--”

“Christopher!” The name was shrill and filled with unbridled disbelief. There was a sharp note of horror, but Phil thought that there might even be a twinge of relief lurking beneath the surface.

_They shouldn’t be worried._

Every nerve in his body was screeching to flee and anguish was fueling the fire in his chest but he held out a placating hand to Louise.

“Yes, it has.” He could only manage a whisper, but Phil was content with that fact. He was still afraid that his voice would leave him completely, that the ashes of his heart would leave him mute. “But you said you wanted me to be lucky and I am. He loved me more than anything and I loved him.”

Chris had an unreadable gleam in his gaze, lips distorted and gathered in one corner of his mouth.

Phil tapped Louise on her shoulder and she hesitated- fingers clutching the edge of the table- before she stood with a resigned sigh to let him pass.

Phil didn’t break eye contact with Chris as he exited the bench and rose to his full height. “Nothing will change that.” His lips trembled as he smiled, closed-lipped, but he shrugged his shoulders mechanically. “You guys were right, I am tired. I think I’ll call it an early day.”

-

His hands were still gripping the steering wheel as his indicators cast shadows across his face.

He should have waited until he got home, curled in a cocoon of warmth and the illusion of protection before he broke down.

He had done it many times before and maybe, it would have saved him.

He supposed he should be thankful that he made it out of the coffee shop parking lot before rummaging through the glove box for tissues.

He didn’t usually go in the stupid compartment because why would he?

He kept the important documents and items he needed in the center console for ease of access. It was better to be prepared, Phil figured and while that didn’t always work out for him- he had made it a point to try.

Unlike Aiden.

That particular space had been Aiden’s- papers messily shoved in haphazardly, edges bent and crinkled with no rhyme or reason- it was a danger zone, and Phil still hadn’t brought himself to organize the chaos.

(He had done the apartment. Would it be so bad to keep this small thing?)

There hadn’t been a tissue stuffed into his area, and he had been desperate. He needed one to catch the snot and salt water running down his face after the coffee shop. He just wanted to wipe away the evidence so he could walk into the apartment _(-not theirs. Phil refused to think of it as his.)_ with the illusion that it was only exhaustion that came from being an introvert and engaging with others all day that was making him drag his feet and his eyes throb.

He had just wanted a fucking tissue.

Snot still trailed down his lips but he didn’t care. There were still tears soaking his face but he didn’t care. He couldn’t take a proper breath and lost track of how long he had been hunched over and _he didn’t give one damn._

The small velvet box had tipped over on his lap at some point during his crying, lid still gaping open. The ring had slid out of its nesting place slightly but was still safe in its cage.

“I’m fine.” Phil was repeating the mantra that had been in his head for the last couple of years like a prayer.

_He was okay._

“I’m fine.”

_He was fine._

“I’m fine.”

_He really, really was._


	2. Anger (Dan)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was not expecting the florist with the tricolored eyes but he can't say that he's not taken with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is told in alternating points of view and will be labelled to avoid confusion!

“Oh my  _god_.” The high-pitched cadence of disgust made him stir, curling into a curved ‘C’ against the warmth radiating from his right side. “ _Dan_. Your breath  _reeks._ ” There were feather-light touches fluttering across the top of his head and he turned to trap the hand under his cheek. **  
**

“Wha’ time ‘s it?” Dan’s words slurred as his still foggy brain fought against the weight of grogginess threatening to drag him under, but he forced his body to uncurl. “Ruthie?”

“It’s only six-thirty in the morning,” Ruth answered with a suppressed giggle, burying her face into the juncture between his shoulder and neck. “You still have time to sleep, babe.” The mint of her toothpaste and the light, airy perfume she wore wafted around him and Dan grabbed her gently to nuzzle her cheek aggressively as she squealed.

“Dan! I have an audition!” She admonished, but she made no move to pull away from his embrace. “We all can’t sleep until noon, Mr. YouTuber.” Dan merely snuffled exaggeratedly into her ear and grinned as she screeched, wiggling finally.

“Hey, hey,” Dan teased, voice deep and gravelly. “We can’t all be adorable turnips. I can’t rely on my good looks.”

“Of course not,” Ruth parried easily, and he could practically see the circular motion of her eyes, still hidden in her preferred spot. “You got there on talent and not these--” She pulled away to poke at where his cheek caved in, making him smile wider, and deepening his dimple as if to prove her point. “Absolutely adorable-- just- fuck your dimples.”

Dan shook his head before giving Ruth a small peck on her lips, brushing away choppy bright ginger locks from her cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, but you’re going to make me late!” Ruth grumbled good naturedly, leaning forward to brush her lips against his in a series of playful, quick pecks. “You can go back to bed but don’t forget Peej needed you for something today.”

Dan hummed in agreement, eyes already heavy and sliding shut but he made sure to murmur:

“I love you.”

“I love you,” Ruth echoed as he felt the bed shift and heard the muted thumps of footsteps across the carpet. “Don’t get into too much trouble.”

-

The next time Dan was pulled from dreamland was infinitely less pleasant.

He squished his face into his black-and-grey checkered pillow forcefully, determinedly ignoring the shrill, incessant  _ **loud**_  notes of his mobile’s ringtone. He willed his brain to cling to the fuzzy haziness of sleep as their bedroom went blissfully silent, shifting to cradle his pillow between his arms since he was on his stomach.

_That’s better._

He had stayed up until four a.m. attempting to film a video. He had drug the tripod to the office (nearly breaking the domed hallway light in the process) and sat to fiddle with the camera listlessly, fumbling over the miniature screen that showed himself. He had done numerous takes but the script hadn’t been flowing as well as he hoped- and he kept his volume as quiet as possible since Ruth had gone to bed early to be rested for her audition.

Dan should remember to get the foam tiles for the wall…

He jolted as his phone rang again before grabbing it to wedge it between his ear and the fluff of his pillow reluctantly.

“Hello?” Dan hissed, words muffled and distorted but still tinged with his annoyance.

“Hey!” PJ’s greeting was playful and warm with affection, but Dan squinted as there was also a hint of mischief hidden in the single phrase. “Get up!”

“I hate you,” Dan said simply before flopping onto his back, blinking to rid his eyelids of the gritty feeling that was making his nerves frazzle before he had even set foot out of bed. “Why am I getting up?” Even as he whined slightly, he swung his legs so he could stand, rolling his neck carefully so he didn’t accidentally disconnect the call.

“Dan,  _you’re_ the one who  _pleaded_  with me to help you,” PJ reminded him, and Dan could hear the vocal eyeroll as his friend continued, “As a matter of fact, your exact words were--”

“I am shit at romance,” Dan deadpanned, raising his eyes to the ceiling and letting his eyes take in the blank expanse of white for a bit before his shoulders slumped. “I really am, Peej and I want…”

“So you are going to propose, then?” PJ pried lightly and Dan heard the scratch of the phone being shuffled before a whoosh of breath crashed through the receiver.

“I…” Dan sighed, letting his eyes drift away from the ceiling finally, as he sat on the edge of his mattress. He didn’t know how to even begin to explain what was going through his mind as it was a jumble of different tendrils of thoughts twisting and tangling with each other- some realistic and cautious and others hopeful and bright and still others that were better left in the recesses of his consciousness. “I mean- we have only been together a year but we just- click, Peej. We are able to exist together and move around each other without it feeling like it is hindering our own activities. Ruth is so lovely…” Dan trailed off, his lips turned up in the corners before they fell. “And I’m not getting any younger.”

“You’re only twenty-two, Dan,” PJ assured him, and Dan felt a pang of gratitude for the man on the other end of the phone call. “I’d hardly call that old.”

“I’m almost a quarter way to death,” Dan joked, running a hand through the fringe that had been pushed off his forehead and wincing as his fingers snagged in the slight curls.

“That reminds me!” PJ gasped and Dan raised an eyebrow.

What could his morbid joke have jogged in his friend’s brain that had him sounding like a mix between an excited puppy and an older sibling scolding their younger counterpart?

“I heard there was a convention? In the States?” PJ was guessing- Dan could tell by the slight drag of the vowels on the last words of each statement- but it didn’t deter him from hitting Dan with two more questions that left him a bit off-kilter. “Why didn’t you go? Isn’t it a big deal?”

“Er…”

_So eloquent._

It wasn’t that he  _didn’t want_  to go but he also hadn’t been  _inclined_  to go either. It was always a rush to meet his subscribers and place faces with the more positive comments on his videos but sometimes…

Sometimes, he rubbed them the wrong way in person. Playfully biting and jabbing teases flowed from his lips easily and while most would merely laugh or (if they were quick on their feet) fire a light jab back... some would curl into themselves and not say a thing, which would leave him fumbling awkwardly with their phone or stuttering out apologies.  

Some would stare at him blankly.

That was worse.

Not to mention…

_“Where’s Ruth?”_

_“Is she okay?”_

_“Are you guys still together?”_

“You’re thinking of VidCon,” Dan corrected absentmindedly before filling his lungs with a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “I didn’t go because...well…”

_Ruth was resting on her side, chest rising and falling rapidly as she watched him with half-lidded eyes. Sweat was shining on her skin and Dan’s fingers slid through the moisture at the small of her back._

_“You should really tie the condom. It’ll leak and we really don’t want to find a laundromat.”_

_Dan grunted in acknowledgement, tracing spirals contentedly as he watched the way Ruth’s eyelashes fluttered in the soft lamplight and the way she nudged his hip lazily._

_“Or sleep in cum.”_

_Dan was still watching her face- the way her azure eyes roamed his own, lips quirked up in the little permanent half-smile she wore even when it was just them, and the freckles spread across her nose- so he jumped as he felt her hands on him again, taking off the latex shield as gently as she could manage._

_A zap went through his chest as he watched her tie the knot and get up on shaky legs to throw away the barrier._

_He loves her. Holy fuck._

_“Make a video with me.” His brain had disconnected from his mouth and the words were out before he could call them back, but Ruth peered over her shoulder, hair wild and untamed, and eyes so, so soft. He could barely breathe as they flashed with a brightness that he had come to recognize, and even as the flippant tone met his ears, he was still gasping for what little oxygen he could get._

_“A sex tape? Not a chance. But-” Ruth was blinding as she faced him, open. “I’ll make a vlog with you, sure.”_

“I wanted to wait until I could bring Ruth,” Dan confessed, scrunching his toes in the carpet and letting the heat rise to his cheeks without a fuss. “We’ve been making videos and the fans are curious. Ruth doesn’t mind sharing but…”

“I get it,” PJ affirmed genuinely but with a note of inattentiveness. Dan thought that Peej was picturing Sophie, and it was cemented as PJ lowered the volume of his voice so that Dan could barely hear. “Soph hasn’t been on one of my sets yet but we’ve been talking. It’s a big step. Sharing your relationship with the world.”

“Yeah.”

Both of them drifted into silence, and Dan was picturing Ruth with her legs crossed, sitting on a sinking couch cushion on a stage, or Ruth opening her arms to hug fans or the sometimes fleeting look she got when a comment didn’t quite rub her the right way and he couldn’t help but wonder if they should be sharing the little they did.

“But, seriously,” PJ was talking again, and his inflection rose with his previous joviality and trouble-making undertone. “Get up. This florist has  _amazing_  flowers and don’t get Ruth geraniums!”

“Why not?!” Dan yelped, crossing his arms across his chest with a scowl. “They are pretty!”

“You’re basically calling Ruth stupid,” PJ snickered, and Dan let his arms fall to his sides as his mouth dropped.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. You need to meet this guy. He seems like he could really help you.”

-

“This is a  _horrible_ idea,” Dan muttered as he followed a step behind PJ on the trail, fidgeting with the zip on the left shoulder of his shirt. “A stupid, terrible idea.”

“You still haven’t gotten used to being recognized,” PJ sounded tired. He leaned his neck to one side before rolling it to the other. He rammed his palm into Dan’s upper arm, watching as the other stumbled, before shaking his head slowly. “It’ll get better.”

“If you say so.” Dan wasn’t entirely convinced but he let it go as the  _“It’s so yellow, Dan. It’s practically neon!”_ van came into view and raised an eyebrow at Peej, lips pressed together and gathered in one corner to say, “What gives?” without opening his mouth.

The van was, indeed, very bright, and the aqua screen cover had been pulled out. Dan had to admit that it was very...cute. There were various wooden shelves scattered about in close proximity to the van with a few carefully positioned tables but they were completely empty.

The only plant that Dan could spy was the long, slim leaves sticking out the window of the van and he rushed to press his hand to his mouth but it was too late. He brayed with laughter- raw, unbridled hiccuping hyena snorts- as he leaned forward, supporting himself on his knees.

PJ cast his eyes heavenward, fighting a smile as Dan lost his composure before running a hand through his hair.

“Are you done yet?”

“No!--I-” Dan was trying to pull air into his lungs but he couldn’t. “You said--and there’s no--I-”

“Oh! You came back.” A chirpy northern twang interrupted Dan’s unexpected laughing fit and he immediately sank his teeth into his bottom lip to quiet himself, flushing. He shoved against his knees to stand straighter, ruffling his fringe with a quick swipe of his fingers, keeping his gaze on his black shoes. The friendly voice continued, “PJ, right?”

“Yup!” PJ trilled, clapping Dan on the shoulder roughly. “This is my friend! He needs some flower advice but it seems like you aren’t open yet?”

_What am I missing?_

Dan blinked as he finally lifted his eyes to the other, and he was breathless once more but not from laughing too hard.

The man had his hip propped on the tail light of his van as his pink glove covered hands cradled the wide pot in his hands. His black fringe was pushed up from his forehead by a worn purple and gold sweatband, strands sticking out at awkward angles in some places.

Dan’s tongue seemed to take up too much room in his mouth as the man’s radioactive eyes settled on him for a moment before he flashed a charming grin at PJ.

_What did PJ say?!_

Dan realized that he had no idea but he wasn’t too concerned, tracking the man’s movement as he ambled on unsteady legs to place the pot of different bright stalks of flowers on a light wood table, a sharp breath escaping him as he set it down with care.

“I just had a late start this morning.” The man with the startling eyes spoke, rubbing his hand across his cheek. Dan caught sight of the lace trimming along the cuffs of the gloves.

“Is that lace?” Dan wondered, realizing with a jolt that he had spoken aloud as the man flexed his wrist with an amused quirk of pale pink lips.

_They look so smooth. I wonder if he uses lip balm regularly?_

_Stop it. Stop it._

“Yes, it is actually,” He hummed, tugging on the dirt stained ruffles lightly. “My friend, Chris, bought it for me as a joke a while back.” Dan’s heart stuttered as the other’s lips pulled back and his tongue pressed between his teeth as he grinned. “He told me, ‘Phil! It’s just your color!’ and Louise almost had a _fit_ because she loved them, and Aiden was just laughing like an idiot, and…”

_His name is Phil._

Dan watched as Phil’s hands moved as he rambled, taking note of the slightly glazed sheen over his eyes. PJ was listening as well, giggling quietly.

Phil seemed to come back to himself and quieted immediately before clearing his throat in apparent embarrassment.

“Sorry,” He apologized, and Dan frowned at the lower, subdued cadence that was reaching his ears. “I got a bit carried away.” Phil kneeled to nudge a lopsided flower stalk to encourage it to sit a bit more center before patting the blooms with a single finger. “Long story short, I wear them to spite him. It works.” 

Phil smiled again but his eyes seemed...lackluster and lost.

Dan didn’t like it.

“As long as he knows he’s a right twat,” Dan intoned, stuffing his hands in his pockets with a tiny shrug.

“Dan!” PJ groaned, placing his whole hand over his face.

Dan wasn’t paying attention to his friend but to Phil whose eyes had widened, and he nibbled his lip uncertainly. The slight knot in his chest eased as Phil’s eyes twinkled.

_Better._

Dan didn’t want to even begin to consider the thoughts that were crossing his mind so he just let them come and drift away.

“He does. Believe me.” Phil squinted at Dan, studying his face with a warm but critical eye. Dan met his stare without flinching, even as his heartbeat started to flutter at being the center of Phil’s attention. “H...have we met before?”

_Oh. I think I would remember meeting you, Mr. Pretty Eyes._

Dan tilted his head at the question, and felt PJ edge closer to his side.  

It had been like this since the two of them started gaining popularity in their separate spheres. Dan and PJ had made a late night pact after a particularly distressing encounter with some pushy fans that whenever they went out together, they would help each other escape from curious eyes if need be. It was a good system that had kept PJ sane when the constant attention became too much, and it had helped Dan when trying to film in his dorm at Uni when his friend came to visit.

“I don’t think so,” Dan answered honestly, shaking his head as a response to both Phil’s question and PJ’s silent precautionary advancement. “I don’t get out much.”

“Oh,” Phil sighed, raising his fingers to drum against his mouth. “You look familiar. I just thought I might have seen you somewhere.”

“You might have,” Dan conceded reluctantly, digging the toe of his shoe into the loose dirt as his heart jumped into his throat. He wasn’t sure if it was the stupid impulse to impress the man he had just met-  _Seriously, brain. What the hell?_ \- or uncertainty that Phil was trying to play him that was fueling his next statement. “I mean...I make videos on the internet for a living--” Dan snapped his mouth shut and clenched his teeth together, cringing.

_Oh my god._

_He’s going to think I’m a fucking cam boy or something!_

PJ’s jaw had dropped, mouth slightly agape. Dan sent a caustic glare toward his friend, mouthing, “You are no help!” to which PJ merely swept his hand out to the side.

“That didn’t come out the way I wanted,” Dan tacked on in a mumble, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Phil didn’t seem put out by his poor wording at all- no raised eyebrow, surprise jerk of any muscles, or scowl.

“Are you a YouTuber, then?”

“How did you--” Dan marveled, cutting himself off to nod. “Yes, I am.”

“Right,” Phil said more to himself and he raised his hands, palms out, at Dan’s arched eyebrow. “I didn’t mean that in a bad way! I just meant you’re pretty enough to be a YouTuber.” Phil’s cheeks immediately started to redden and he lowered his hands to turn back to his van.

The crinkles around Dan’s eyes softened as Phil took quick long loping strides away from him. PJ elbowed him in the side with barely contained impishness, even and glistening white teeth bared.

“Say  _anything_ , I will _deck_  you,” Dan threatened in a whisper and PJ’s grin widened before he inclined his head in the direction of Phil.

“You are  _pretty_ , Daniel,” PJ singsonged in a near inaudible volume before he placed his hands on his hips. He kept his voice to its soundless pitch. “Seriously. It could be worse- he’s a handsome lad.”

Dan couldn’t deny that. Phil had swung his leg up to lean on his knee as he slid pots with different flowers away from him to angle himself over the short plants. His arse looked fabulous in his tight black skinny jeans and were his pants…

_Don’t look!_

Dan’s face was on fire as he snapped his attention back to Peej.

He was taken by surprise when PJ flung his arm around his neck to drag him into a loose headlock, cackling. Phil peered over his shoulder for a moment at the two of them before he returned with a pot of geraniums cradled against his chest and a yellow legal pad in his right hand.

“If I remember correctly,” Phil set the container down on the table beside the only pot he had managed to set up, tossing the pad carelessly on the table. “You were looking at the geraniums, yeah?”

“Yeah,” PJ managed, shaking with the effort to keep his bubbling mirth under control. “It was Dan’s idea but when I heard the meaning…”

Dan shrugged PJ’s arm off peevishly as his eyes shot daggers at his friend. “They are pretty!”

“They are.” Phil reached out to Dan before seeming to think better of it, popping out a knee so he was leaning slightly to the left, as he brought his hand back to pet the geraniums on the table between them. “In the Victorian Era, though, they meant stupidity. There are other meanings but that is the most common that is still accepted today.”

“I didn’t know that.” Dan kept his reply as gentle as he could as Phil continued to caress the flowers like a doting owner would stroke their lazy cat who was lounging in the sunlight. “What would you recommend for a progressing relationship?”

“It depends. As in a transition from friends to lovers?”

“No. Just a step into deeper commitment.” Dan watched Phil’s eye drift upwards for a moment before pulling the paper he had brought with him earlier.

“Let’s try this…what’s your favorite color?” Phil asked, gazing up at Dan through his fringe.

“What? Why?” Dan blurted out in confusion and yelped as he staggered forward, planting his palms on the table’s edge from PJ’s shove.

“Let the man work his magic, Dan!”

Dan was about to retort when he realized that he was tipped forward into Phil’s space and that those eyes were raised to his, the darkness of his pupils seemingly larger. Dan’s words died in his throat, taking in the sunlight reflecting in slight blue streaks of Phil’s hair and how his pale skin was flushed lightly. How his eyes seemed to be a supernova- tendrils of yellow lightning snaking through the blue and flecks of green scattered in the space- and…

_You’re being horribly poetic._

“You look pretty enough to be a faerie,” Dan pointed out softly, fingers releasing the edge he had started gripping for dear life ( _when did that happen?_ ) to curl under his palms. Phil blinked harshly at his words while Dan leaned back, straightening his spine. “I mean…” Dan crossed his arms across his chest tightly.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid..._

“An elf.” Phil’s words were light and Dan caught sight of the twitching corners of his mouth as he focused on his paper, scratching the nub of his pen in an idle pattern as he spoke. “If you must associate me with something that is tied to plants, then I’m an elf.” Phil looked up then to pin him with a small secretive simper and Dan took a step back reflexively. “Because reasons.”

“...What even is this conversation?” Dan breathed, rubbing his sweaty palm on his jeans without a thought as a high, shaky laugh escaped his lips.

“I was wondering the same thing…” PJ’s eyes skimmed over Dan and then Phil, raising his thumb and pointer finger to curl around his chin with a thoughtful hum.

Dan shuffled further away from the florist. Phil bowed his head over the papers, reaching to push his fringe up slightly. His fingers brushed the headband.

“You didn’t answer my question.” Phil remarked quietly. “What’s your favorite color?”

“Oh, um, I don’t really have one favorite?”

It was true. He liked a couple of different colors despite Ruth’s insisting that black was his favorite because it spanned most of his wardrobe. There was something about the brightness of white that drew him...the cleanness of a hue that seemed unblemished, something to be filled with whatever you chose but warm earthy tones reminded him of fall and sinking into large sweaters without worrying about what other onlookers would think and being able to bundle his always chilly fingers.

“That’s okay,” Phil’s words broke through his reverie. “You can say more than one.”

Gold was striking to him and it wasn’t helping that Phil’s eyes had a bit mixed in that flashed brightly when the sunlight was at this angle. Purple was lovely and reminded him of Ruth, of the three month period that there was bright orchid along the last three inches of her hair and  _all over the tiles of the shower._

( _There were still stains but they had faded_.)

Dan didn’t realize he was smiling as he began listing: “White, gold, earthy colors...and purple. Purple is cool.”

Phil’s pen stopped moving and he tapped the list with his pointer finger. “I can work with this list. If you want to come back in a couple of hours, I’ll have a bouquet. Or tomorrow, if that fits your schedule better…” Phil trailed off before he carried on in a more polite tone. “Sir.”

“Dan. I’m Dan,” Dan immediately corrected with a relaxed smile. “We’ve called each other pretty. I think you can call me by my first name.”

“Phil.” Phil extended his hand and Dan took it, feeling a tiny current tingling along his skin. Phil tilted his head with a small smile. “Nice to meet you.”

-

“Dan!” Ruth dropped her large gray purse on the ground as she walked through their door, making a beeline for him and flinging herself into his arms. Dan flinched before laying his arms across her back, pulling her to him tightly, and curling his six-foot three frame around her much smaller five foot four body.

Ruth nudged his knees with her hip to situate herself more comfortably between them, bringing both her hands to card through his hair.

“How was your audition, babe?” Dan asked, raising his chin from where it had settled on the top of Ruth’s head. He noticed the way her lipstick had travelled slightly upwards, just a bit above the top of her heart-shaped lips and brought a hand to cradle her cheek. “That bad, huh?”

“Yeah…” Ruth sighed, exposing the lipstick that clung to the bottom of her front two teeth.

So, she had been biting her lip.

Dan pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Their loss. They missed out on an acting genius.”

Ruth didn’t say a word, still stroking his hair, before she broke into an immense euphoric grin. Dan couldn’t help the way his mouth parted slightly as he furrowed his brows in confusion.

“What?”

“They didn’t.” Ruth tightened her hold on the strands in her grasp gently.

“They didn’t...what?”

“They didn’t lose an acting genius…”

The words registered in his sluggish mind before his own lips stretched into a smile, letting his arms fall lower, encircling Ruth’s waist.

“Oh?” He feigned cluelessness, playing along. She hadn’t been biting her lip as a show of her anxiety then but because she was terrible at not blurting out news as soon as she walked in the door.

“Because they liked me so much that I’m getting a minor role! In multiple episodes!” Ruth exploded happily, muscles twitching with excitement. She squirmed as he sprang from the armchair to swing her upwards.

“Daniel!” Ruth shrieked as the points of her heels dangled above the carpet. “You need to be careful or--”

The carpet beneath his feet seemed to sway. He watched the walls jerk to right violently and heard his girlfriend cry out before he was pressed against the soft springiness of the carpet, groaning. He couldn’t breathe so he wrenched his head to the side, closing his eyes.

There was only darkness in his vision but he could still feel the world spinning under him.

Ruth toed off her heels from where she had been dropped before crawling over to Dan, rubbing a palm between his shoulder blades slowly.

“You got up too fast.” The words were familiar on Ruth’s tongue and dripping with fondness as she scooted even closer on her bum, crossing her legs. “Do you want to lay your head on my lap or are you still dizzy?”

“Dizzy.” Dan puffed and added: “I feel like a fucking logged tree.”

“Yay Orthostatic Hypotension.” Ruth chimed in with a perky sardonic lilt. She had ceased the sliding motion of her hand but her fingers tapped a random pattern in the space between Dan’s scapulas. “How long have you been in the chair?”

Dan grunted in response. Ruth took it as the “I lost track of time.” it most likely meant and giggled.

“You jumped when I hugged you. You looked like you were thinking…” Dan focused on the gentle pitter patter against his skin as she spoke, forcing himself to inhale slowly through his nose. He choked on his own spit as she continued: “You’re not having another crisis, are you? Should I be worried?”

Dan wasn’t sure how to respond. He didn’t want to say, “Yes.”  because this wasn’t his normal spiralling into a series of questions concerning the value of his life in the grand scheme of the eternal timeline of humanity that turned into questioning whether humankind was important at all. This wasn’t him pacing restlessly at an odd hour. This wasn’t him climbing into bed to clutch at a sleep-warmed Ruth, breathing in stuttering heaves.

 _This_ was something else entirely but it was a something that wouldn’t let the word, “No.” spill from his vocal cords.

 _This_ was sitting in silence, beside himself and analyzing his reactions.  _This_  was picturing Phil’s tricolored eyes and feeling phantom fingers skimming along his spine that made him shiver. _This_ was feeling the tickle of butterfly wings in his tummy and _they were angry_.  _This_ was seeing Phil’s pupils open as he looked at him and catching a flash of  _something_ before a dark weight of something melancholy overpowered it.

It was hearing PJ’s disbelieving but cautious tone.

_“If I didn’t know you, Dan, I would think you have a crush.”_

Dan hadn’t said a word to his friend but after sitting down for a while to think about what  _this_  was, he came to a startling conclusion.

He was attracted to Phil.

Dan opened his eyes, turning on his side to make sure that the room was stationary before swinging his body so he could lay his head in Ruth’s lap. She peered at him with a tenderness that had his chest clenching and he reached up to hold both of her cheeks between his hands. Her hair tickled him but he didn’t mind, relaxing at the unconcealed affection.

“I met a boy today,” He murmured and the devilishness that never fully left her lips quirked the corners higher. “While I was out with Peej.”

“Yeah?” She hummed, leaning down so she was invading his space even more. “He must be special if you’re telling me. Is he a subscriber?”

“I don’t think so,” Dan mused, thumbs starting to drag in small circles over the freckles splashed under them. “He’s seen my videos, though.”

“So what’s with this boy then? It is not everyday that Daniel Howell ventures out and meets someone!”

Dan had to laugh at that. His breath crashed through his nose, causing him to snort obnoxiously. His hands fell from Ruth’s cheeks as she joined in his laughter.

“I meet people!” Dan tried as he wheezed. At Ruth’s lifted brow, he squeaked. “Occasionally!”

“Conceded.” Ruth nodded, swooping down to brush her lips against his. She pulled back slightly. “So you met this boy who has watched your videos and?”

“His name is Phil,” Dan supplied, licking his lips and tasting the waxy tartness of the lipstick left behind. “I don’t know, Ruthie. Sometimes you meet someone and they are just…” His hands lifted to rotate through the air as he searched for a suitable word. “Bright.”

“Phil has a nice aura, then.” Ruth pecked the tip of his nose and smirked when he wrinkled it.

“Yeah, but he just seems…” Dan reminisces the way Phil had reached to brush away his fringe, the way his eyes dimmed at times with a heavy fog. “Sad. Lost. I don’t know.”

“You sound taken with him.” Ruth straightened her spine, making a contented noise as it popped. She leaned her weight on her arms, letting herself recline. “Why not ask him to be your friend? It wouldn’t hurt. I mean…” She seemed to consider something, scraping her teeth against her bottom lip- leaving stripes of her natural pigment behind. “If you don’t think he’s trying to be your friend because of your videos.”

“He’s not,” Dan soothed confidently, clasping his fingers on his stomach. “He reminds me of you.” He confesses before continuing a rush: “Genuine. Open. Kind.”

_Beautiful._

“Then be his friend! Visit him tomorrow after your meeting,” Ruth encouraged, jerking her knee upwards so he scoffed as his shoulder was lifted unexpectedly. “C’mon, Dan! You’re heavy! And we need to celebrate!”

“For you!” Dan agreed, making sure to smile as big as he could to make his dimple prominent as he stayed where he was lounging. Ruth was always cozy with heat and she had all the tension draining from him, leaving him a contented puddle.

“And you making a new friend! It’s a miracle!” Ruth teased before jamming her blunt fingernail into his cheek. “Uh uh. Don’t dimple at me, you knob. Off.”

Dan groaned as she uncrossed her legs and scooted away, letting his head crash against the carpet.

“What are we getting, you leprechaun?”

Ruth glowered at his words for a moment, digging her toes painfully into his side. “Don’t make me hurt you,” She warned before tapping him much softer with her big toe. “Pizza?”

-

His feet slid in the gravel as he trudged in the direction of Phil’s van.

His eyelids fluttered shut before snapping open even as he put one foot in front of the other. Dan threw his shoulders back, fussing lowly in muttered snippets only audible to himself. He should have gone to bed sooner but Ruthie had been adamant about getting his script in order because he had promised his viewers that he would have a video up by the end of the week...which meant that she had bounced on their bed as he sat with his back against the frame, reading it.

It wasn’t an unusual occurrence but paired with Peej waking him up at an earlier hour, his mind buzzing with his new found crush, and Ruth bubbling with unspent energy…

He wasn’t a fully functional human on this particular day- at all- and for whatever reason he had been seated next to Chris Kendall for the meeting. The guy was a character- quick witted, spunky,  _humorous-_  but there was an intensity to him that had Dan squirming in his seat.

Especially when it was directed at him.

_“You’re danisnotonfire?” Chris turned to him, using the packet of papers they had received as a makeshift fan._

_“I’m Dan. Yes,” Dan replied, shifting in the cushion he was sitting on as another YouTuber with bleached hair and rose tips frowned in their direction. “We’ve met before.”_

_“Yes, we have,” Chris agreed with a lascivious smirk. “You are a charmer. Gorgeous smile. Sexy face. Marketable.” Dan watched as he laid the papers on the table to roll them into a loose tube._

_“Pardon?” Dan coughed._

_“But-” Chris singsonged before pointing the cylinder at Dan. “I don’t know what to make of you, Dan.”_

_“What?”_

_“I don’t know what to make of you. You seem cool but are you really?”_

_“Er…” Dan was at a loss for words and Chris’ smile widened. An image of the Cheshire cat sprung to Dan’s mind and he drummed his fingers in a show of nerves._

_“I’m harmless.” Chris giggled at the display as he leaned back. “Relax.”_

_There was a hint of something...defensive swimming in the light hearted words that made Dan’s shoulders rise even higher before (thankfully- Jesus fucking Christ) the meeting was resumed._

It was safe to say that he was worn out.

He blinked at the scene before him.

Flowers were  _everywhere._  The tables that had been bare when he and Peej had come yesterday were jammed with pots and blooms in every shade of every coloration. The shelves held twisting vines and Dan caught sight of the flat, skinny leaves of the corn cane that had been peeking from the window. It slanted to the right comically and he couldn’t help but chuckle.

Phil was motioning towards a pot with white orchids dotted with magenta speckles, excitedly, as he talked with a girl with short and wispy pale pink hair. A camera was slung around her neck and she was focused on Phil, posture slack.

Dan ground his teeth at the quiet self-assuredness surrounding her and he quickened his pace.

_She doesn’t even look bothered. How can she not be a mess in front of Phil?_

The girl adjusted her glasses as she smiled at Phil sweetly. Dan’s jaw clenched even tighter as she spoke,

“You’re very sweet. It just looks like a pile of cotton candy on my head.” She motioned to her hair for emphasis and Dan watched Phil giggle, teeth squeezing his tongue.

“No!” Phil disagreed amicably, shaking his head before he clapped his hands together. “Ah! I have an idea. One moment, please.” Phil zoomed towards a wooden shelf to his right, fingers dancing over the pots, bouncing on his tiptoes.

Dan couldn’t help but let out an amused breath as discreetly as possible but it stopped dead when Phil turned around with a single orchid in his hand. He was making his way back to the girl.

_The girl who had the lovely pink hair._

Dan pressed his lips into a thin line as Phil handed the flower to her and motioned to put it behind her ear. She eyed Phil with a bit of uncertainty but obliged, giggling lowly as she slid the delicate stem behind her ear.

Phil was positively _luminescent_  with satisfaction- shallow lines around his eyes deepening, that damn tongue trapped where it had been every time Dan saw him smile, and a liveliness twinkling in his eyes.

“See- it almost matches your hair!” Phil told the girl before pursing his lips, bringing his fist under his chin. “Your hair does look like cotton candy, though. Very delicious.”

_WHAT. Did he just…_

“Hello!” Dan broke in, keeping his steps at a leisured pace as he came to stand beside the girl. “How’s it going, Phil?” He flicked his wrist in a brisk wave before he gave a brief, slightly exasperated laugh.

“I’m just talking with Kate.” Phil nodded toward the girl he had come to stand beside. “She comes by every once in awhile after her photography course.”

_That explains the camera._

Dan knew that he really shouldn’t be feeling as riled as he did. He carried a camera with him, now and again, when he decided to film a rare vlog but he couldn’t help the accusatory flick of his eyes toward the equipment before he met Kate’s shocked gaze.

“I knew Louise came here sometimes but,” Kate ran her nails over the camera lens as she gaped at Phil. “I didn’t know you knew Dan Howell! Do you know everybody?” The question was light hearted and Dan had to admit that he was taken aback by not being ambushed by someone who recognized him.

“Maybe I do.” Phil concurred before he chuckled. “I don’t, not really. It does seem like I am a magnet for YouTubers!” He wiggled his brows at Kate who laughed before he stood a bit straighter. “I have an idea! You needed a photo for your project, right? Something about intentional photo mistakes?”

“Yeah.” Kate drug out the word as she rocked on the balls of her feet with a slight frown.

“It’s just a shot or two?” Phil fished and Dan adjusted his own feet as he was suddenly pinned under those glittering eyes.

“Yes?” Kate’s answer sounded more like a question. Phil’s lips stretched even wider.

“Dan!” Phil clapped and Dan jumped.

“What?”

“Will you help Kate with her project?” Phil dipped his head to gaze at Dan from beneath his dark hair and…

He couldn’t be responsible for his actions when he was faced with  _that._

_It’s only two photos, right? I’ll be fine. I take pictures with subscribers regularly. It’s no different._

Then, Phil turned to Kate and winked. Dan took in a sharp breath before flipping his fringe out of his eyes, putting on a small polite smile.

“I can’t.” Dan’s words were contrite and gentle as he shook his head. “I was actually on my way to a meeting.”

He caught the way Phil’s eyes narrowed but the florist didn’t say anything. Kate dropped the camera so it dangled from the strap with a quiet breath.

“That’s okay.” She flicked a piece of her hair away from her face before she bit her lip. “Can I have a hug?”

“Absolutely,” Dan responded, opening his arms. Kate shuffled towards him and he gave her a friendly squeeze, resting his chin on her head. “I’m sure you’ll do fine on your project,” He promised sincerely before he released her. “Have a good day. I have to be off.”

“Thank you,” Kate murmured and he gave her his signature two finger salute before nodding at Phil.

“I’ll stop by again sometime, Phil.”

He turned toward the trail and strolled away with a repressed sigh.

 _“Jealousy will be your downfall one day, Dan."_ Ruth’s partly delighted, slightly exasperated quip entered his thoughts, and Dan laughed to himself, pushing his hair up into a quiff before flattening it once more.

_I’m not jealous._

_Yeah. Right. You just sat through a meeting and now you’re off to another imaginary one._

_At least, I can take a nap now._

“Dan!” Phil’s high yell broke through his inner monologue and Dan stopped, turning to see Phil making his way toward him with a single red flower with a darkened center. “Wait!”

A disbelieving laugh escaped Dan, and he caught sight of Phil’s pleased expression, lips twitching.

“Here.” Phil held out his little tag along to Dan who took it from him, fingers brushing against pale and smooth skin.

“What’s this?” Dan questioned, turning the flower in his grasp with deliberate care.

“A petunia.”

“Why are you giving it to me?”

Phil paused for a moment and Dan felt the air saturate with that dense sadness that Phil had lurking around him at times.

“I promised you a bouquet,” Phil started, pinching the hem of his shirt between his fingers as he caught and held Dan’s eye. “But, since you’re leaving... I figured a petunia would do- for now.”

“I can just get your number,” Dan pointed out brashly before the telltale rose hue of his embarrassment stained his cheeks. “It would let me know when you had it ready…”

“Or you could just come back since the YouTube meeting was held earlier,” Phil mused with sass sprinkled through the words before he sniggered. “Of course. That means you’ll have to tell Kate that you’re a dirty liar, Daniel.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Dan deflected, clearing his throat as his voice squeaked in the middle of his statement.

“Sure you don’t,” Phil drawled before he spun to face his van. Dan’s fingers tightened slightly around his petunia as the other started to wander away. Phil stopped once more to shoot over his shoulder.

“And I don’t know my number.”

Dan must have been quite a sight- holding his petunia away from his body while he was doubled over, howling with laughter. He could feel his eyes stinging with tears and was almost one hundred percent sure his cheeks were crimson but he couldn’t bring himself to care in that moment.

Phil was a cheeky little shit and Dan couldn’t deny that he was delighted.

(And perhaps more than a little fucked but he would ignore that little tidbit for now.) 


	3. Anger, second act (Dan)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is learning more about Phil as time goes on.

Dan found himself drawn to the golden van more often than not. **  
**

It had started out as a bit of playful revenge for Phil’s knowing arched brow when he passed through after the meetings that seemed to come all at once but it turned into something else when the little tradition of Dan getting a single flower from Phil had started...

_“I’m going to save my free bouquet,” Dan told Phil, lounging in the space of the open door of Phil’s van with his chin pressed into his chest as he looked at his phone. Phil had on a faded apron that nearly matched his vehicle perfectly. It was dusted with soil and...an array of different stains. Dan was pretty sure that the majority of them were coffee but one blob resembled the stain on a shirt he had lost to a mishap at his first YouTube get together involving too much red wine._

_(He had left shortly after to lay across a fountain with still warm stone as he tried to keep the crisps and pizza from earlier in the night from making a reappearance. It had been one of the moments he had felt most isolated.)_

_“Hm?” Phil grunted from where he sat on the floor, legs wrapped carefully around the pot he had cracked as he filled a replacement with fresh dirt to transfer the poor succulent. “What was that?”_

_“I’m going to save my free bouquet,” Dan repeated, tapping on his screen to like the post on his dashboard. “For when I might really need it.”_

_“That’s fine.” Phil clicked his tongue before murmuring, “I’m really sorry, Susan. I didn’t mean to drop you. I’m going to leave you in the nicest ray of sun I can. I’ll even move Thor.”_

_Dan blinked before he lowered his phone to his chest to take in the smooth, sturdy movements as Phil worked. He couldn’t help himself._

_“You name your plants?”_

_“Yeah?” Phil craned his neck to squint at Dan, swiping his gloved hand across his cheek where a bead of sweat was making his skin tickle. “Doesn’t everyone?”_

_“Some people do, I guess, but Susan? Really?”_

_“It’s a good name! A strong name!”_

_“There are better names.” Dan rolled his eyes and yelped when something crashed against his cheek. He glanced down to the motionless glove in his lap and then to Phil who had gone back to moving Susan to her new home without mentioning his hand nudity._

_“You rat,” Dan growled without a hint of heat, picking up the offending article to flop it back and forth in the other’s direction. “I should keep this.”_

_“Please, don’t.” Phil told him, relaxed and not worried about the potential hostage situation at hand. “I do like these gloves, you know. How about we trade? A flower for a glove?”_

_Dan took a moment to seem like he was giving Phil’s solution great thought- bringing his temporary prisoner under his chin as he cupped his jaw, tossing it from hand to hand- until Phil lobbed a handful of dirt in his direction with slight force._

_It fell short, of course, but that was enough for Dan to grin and lean back. “Alright.”_

So Dan returned from his visits from Phil with a different flower clutched in his hand each time. He would give them to Ruthie who was both delighted and amused by the sudden influx of surprise flora. She had taken to putting them in small glasses of water, dotting them around the apartment, and soaking in his misery when he inevitably was mopping up water from their carpet with incoherent noises of displeasure.

_@RuthineHayes tweeted: @danisnotonfire is having a hard time with the peony. (Cry laughing emoji)(Water droplets emoji)(Heart emoji)_

_September 1 3:17pm_

_@danisnotonfire replied: @RuthineHayes if SOMEBODY would stop leaving them where i move the tripod. that would be great. (Eyes emoji)(Heart emoji)_

_September 1 7:48pm_

The little incidents gave Dan another reason to go visit Phil and tell him what havoc his flowers were wreaking on his existence (with Phil reminding him that he could refuse the flowers which usually ended with Dan scoffing and leaving with another) and somehow, the conversations drifted into ever evolving topics. They could be arguing about which was better: hot chocolate or coffee? and end on what type of Pokemon they would specialize in if they were gym leaders.

Dan was convinced that Phil would fill the role of a grass/poison trainer but Phil was adamant that he leant towards fire with his soft spot for Growlithe and Houndour. Phil surprised him by placing him as a psychic leaning trainer, and Dan couldn’t help but shake his head and laugh.

Sadly, it seemed like there was always a constant flow of people to Phil’s van so they didn’t get to talk as much as Dan would like. He should be astonished at the traffic for Phil’s little business but he wasn’t-not really. Phil made it a point to talk with every customer and help them leave just a smidge happier than before. It was hard to resist the embodiment of sunshine, Dan mused, and he couldn’t blame those that returned to get a bit of Phil’s personal brand of comfortable heat.

Dan was guilty as well. Who was he to judge?

-

It was one of those days in London where the wind nipped at places where your skin was exposed and brought a rosy glow to the surface. The leaves in the trees rustled, and Dan had his hands curled into the sleeves of his black jumper, shivering slightly as Phil sat in a chair with his leg crossed on his knee to prop up the thick book he was reading.

Phil had his left hand in the pouch of the green hoodie he was wearing while his right flipped the pages contentedly.

There hadn’t been anyone by in a while, and Dan was starting to twitch with restless energy and the urge to move about to shake off the slight chill. He let his gaze wander around the sparse set up of Phil’s greenery before letting himself tip back to peek behind the passenger seat where he was currently huddling against. There were towels thrown over some of the pots and Dan had to smile at the fuzzy maroon blanket wrapped around Loki’s small pot lovingly.

It seemed Phil had been worried about his “babies” and had decided to keep them protected in their home.

“Phil?” Dan called and pouted when Phil held up a single finger, mouthing silent words as he read. “Phiiiil.”

“Yes, Danny-” Phil began, eyes still roving across the printed text before he blinked. Dan caught a flash of pink as Phil licked his lips. “-Dan. Yes, Dan?”

“Did you just call me Danny?” He couldn’t keep the affectionate incredulousness from seeping into the words falling into the air between them even as he squeezed his brows closer together and stretched back over the center console because he knew it irritated Phil. “Don’t call me that, Philly.” He threw back saucily, reaching down for the small black drawstring bag he had taken to carrying.

Phil raised an eyebrow but still didn’t turn his head, determined to finish the page he was having to re-read as he wondered why Dan was such a distraction. “What’s wrong with you, anyway?”

“I’m bored!” Dan groused as his fingers closed around the sleek black camera, glancing at Phil. He pressed the button and drummed his thumbs on screen in an uneven rhythm.

_How long has it been since I’ve done a vlog?_

Dan’s eyes became slits as he shifted through his memory- rifling through abandoned script ideas, videos that he had chosen to keep private after he uploaded them, and the running list of titles-before he remembered. The last vlog had been when Peej was leaving for his shoot and they had spent the day together wandering around the city, rummaging through thrift shops and antique stores for props.

_Has it really been that long? Jeeze._

He pressed the record button without thinking, rolling his shoulders, before pointing it at his face and stating, “Edit this out.”

He moved to focus on Phil's peaceful reading, catching the way his slender fingers petted the book's pages unthinkingly, before clearing his throat.

Phil canted his head toward him, folding the corner of the page deftly as he did, and Dan watched as he placed both feet on the ground. His face morphed into an almost instantaneous grin as he realized he was being recorded.

_Has he been on camera before? That is...remarkable._

It was also slightly worrying and Dan lowered the camera so the lens rested on his knee lightly, darkening the footage to black.

“That was...really creepy,” Dan acknowledged with a wince. “Sorry- I was thinking of filming a vlog and-” He was probably digging himself a bigger hole, and his words sped up with the guilt of filming Phil without his prior consent and... _the way his whole demeanor had shifted with ease_. “Would you like to be in it? You can say no.”

Phil’s expression went lax with a less pronounced but relieved upward turn of his lips and the muscles around his eyes smoothed out as he let himself slant back against the chair. He didn’t seem irked by Dan’s misstep with his arms having moved behind his head, making his chest more prominent, and the fact that he was sticking out his tongue at him.

“You worry too much, Danny,” Phil surmised before continuing in a supportive intonation: “I know it was playful. I can hear! I have ears!” He reached to pull them out and wiggle them for emphasis.

Dan shielded his face with his free sweater paw and groaned, a single chuckle escaping from him.

“I don’t know you.”

“Well, then…” Phil lamented with a deep put-upon sigh, letting his hands fall to his lap. “I guess that me agreeing to be in your vlog doesn’t matter then?”

Dan was glad his face was covered as he felt his pulse quicken at Phil wanting to be in his vlog. There was a happy writhing feeling that seemed to leap from his chest to nestle itself at the base of his throat and he could feel his cheeks straining from how wide he was smiling.

He slid his hand down so it was only obscuring the lower half of his face. Phil was regarding him with half-lidded eyes and slightly parted lips.

Dan’s heart skipped a beat  _(literally)_. His hand fell away so he could jerk the camera back into focus and once again, Phil slipped into that shining, peppy persona flawlessly.

Dan scooted to the edge of the seat before settling his feet on the ground and standing slowly, swivelling the camera’s lens to his face and giving his two finger salute.

He had to step into his own...slightly different headspace but for a moment, his lips turned down as his eyes flicked to Phil and he bit his lip in concern before taking a breath to repeat the gesture he had been starting his videos off with since he had set up his YouTube channel.

“Hello Internet!”  Dan greeted before stepping away from the van and rotating slowly so that his fans would be able to analyze the background if they wished- making sure to catch the hand painted ‘Succulents’ sign, the purple cluster of verbenas on the top shelf before slowly making his way towards Phil. “If you have been following me on Twitter...you would know that my life has been overrun by flowers!” Dan wrinkled his nose slightly before he gave a quiet laugh.

Phil pressed his mouth into a thin line and raised his eyes toward the sky for a moment before pressing his lips outward in a face that resembled a squirrel about to eat a nut.

“I thought I would--” Dan’s sentence halted immediately as he caught sight of Phil. He coughed into his elbow and questioned in a strained voice, “What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” Phil claimed with a soft clap before he waved his hands in a blur, palms out and fingers splayed. “Hi guys! How’s it been?”

Dan couldn’t help but feel like he sunk a bit deeper into the ever growing affection he had for the unpredictable florist but he gave an imperceptible swing of his head, reaching out to swat at Phil’s shoulder lightly. “Hey! Don’t steal my spotlight, you spoon.”

“I wouldn’t have to if you were on your game, Danny!”

_Oh. Is it going to be like that? You’re on, Philly._

“Right, you are,” Dan agreed easily, pressing the camera closer to Phil so he could capture the brief moment of the other’s surprise: raised eyebrows, slightly bugged eyes. There was a rush of gleeful triumph before he waved a hand dismissively. “I thought everyone would like to meet the culprit. This is Phil, my amazing personal florist, who has also ruined my life.”

Dan extended his arm so he could get them both in frame and Phil stepped to the side to block him from view.

“Plant world domination should be happening any day now but shhh!” Phil pressed a single finger to his lips, looking furtively over his shoulder at Dan.

_Holy shit. That smile. Is going to kill me._

Phil was facing the imaginary third audience with a conspiratorial: “But don’t tell Dan!” and Dan was fighting at the acute pang echoing through his chest. It reminded him of Ruth standing before him without any shred of clothing and adoration clear in the way she held herself under his own besotted gaze but this was...sharper. It was nearly painful with its intensity and Dan fought to keep his eyes from stinging with the threat of tears.

_“You need to be careful, Dan.”_

_“What?” Dan paused with the spatula raised to flip over the ham and cheese sandwich that was being grilled in the skillet._

_“I…” Sophie tried uncertainly before she took a deep breath. “You talk about this Phil guy like you talk about Ruth.”_

_“He’s becoming a really good friend.” The words sounded weak even to his own ears._

_“Dan…” That single syllable held a note of despondency and a large amount of concern. He could hear Sophie pulling out a chair. “Peej will let you do your thing. He’s a big believer in making your own mistakes and figuring out who you are through those. But..” Sophie paused before she hit him with a calm question to shatter the shaky contentedness his mind had settled into. “I have to ask...are you gay?”_

_The pungent aroma of the charring bread didn’t reach him as he dropped the spatula. His knees buckled and he caught himself on the counter._

_Was he gay?_

_He had figured out that he had a crush on Phil but he had definitely felt the same...symptoms...for Ruthie. The jumps in heartbeat, craving being in her presence, and the fascination with lips…_

_Pale smooth lips with a tongue poking out. Pinker, heart shaped lips that always had the form of a smile._

_“No...I’m not gay.” Dan choked out, and he heard Sophie let out a hefty sigh. His mouth was dry and as he hastily flicked off the burner, he came to a realization:_

_He wasn’t gay but that didn’t mean he was straight._

_So why didn’t he say that out loud then?_

“Ah!” Dan squawked as his cheek was smacked faintly, flinching away from the impact before leaning into the weight still present without thinking about it. Phil had sucked in his bottom lip between his front teeth and that’s when Dan realized he was using the man’s palm as a pillow of a sorts. His cheeks seared with a familiar heat. “I’m sorry--what?”

“Are you okay?”

 _Phil._..Phil was absolutely mind-blankingly, disarmingly…

Standing so close, Dan felt Phil’s breath fanning across his cheeks and he _also_ felt the sheer craving to shuffle closer clawing at his rib cage.

Dan recoiled, taking a step back and gave a false, jagged titter.

“Of course.” The lie tasted sour on his tongue but he let it slither past his lips before aiming the camera that he had dropped to his side on Phil. “Come on, Phil! The people want a promo!”

_Don’t focus on me. Please._

_Let me be danisnotonfire for now. Not Dan Howell who isn’t gay or straight and falling for a boy with a heart of a lion._

“Er…” Phil was quick to regain his composure, glancing at his hand for a millisecond before dropping it and his line of sight to the floor timidly. “I’m not really good at those but,” Phil showed some teeth but his tongue was safely hidden as he winked. “I am Phil Lester and this is my flower truck- An Array of Sunshine!”

“That...just…” Dan couldn’t even form a coherent sentence as he gave Phil an offended look. “No.”

“I didn’t come up with it!” Phil defended indignantly, holding Dan captive as he turned his head towards him. “Martyn did!”

“Martyn?”

“My brother. He actually runs the website that we take deliveries from…” Phil reached up to knead the back of his neck. “I should probably mention that…”

“Link will be in the descrizzle,” Dan chimed in and pointed downwards where the perimeter of the video would be before he addressed Phil in his calmer speaking voice. “Is it a traditional website?”

“I have one, yes. There’s also a Twitter.” Phil’s eyes skittered away from his, tightening his grip on the nape of his neck before releasing his hold. Dan saw his eyes darken before Phil was dazzling the camera once more. “You guys can check out the Twitter if you want but it’s pretty inactive…” Phil’s frame was quaking- lips jumping with the effort to not peel back and expose his teeth- before he finished his thought: “The handle is @pocketPHIL-” At this point, he swept his hand down his torso. “-ofsunshine.”

“You DID NOT…” Dan angled his chin up slightly so he could jut it out in disbelief.

“I didn’t.” Phil confirmed in a voice so muted and small that it reminded Dan of stardust drifting in the abyss of space. “My partner did.”

Phil laughed but, somehow, it sounded wrong in Dan’s ears. It sounded like giggling even though his lungs were begging for air as he sprawled on the carpet with the light off. It sounded like the slam of the door as he stood in his dorm for the first time with the silence ringing in his ears and homesickness already sitting heavy in his stomach.

_Phil has a partner? I thought the business was just his?_

It sounded like a human puzzle barely holding the pieces of themselves together.

Dan’s lips separated.

“Hi?” A hushed, apprehensive voice cut in hesitantly, and Dan watched the girl sway from side to side from where she stood at the table set up next to the van, on the right most side from where they were standing. “I don’t mean to interrupt…” She reached up to swipe a lock of light brown hair behind her ear.

“You’re fine,” Phil rushed to alleviate the girl’s nervousness. “How may I help you?” He moved fluidly around Dan, brushing his fingertips across his upper arm as he passed, so he could help the newcomer.

“You aren’t interrupting anything,” Dan added, ignoring the goosebumps prickling under his jumper at the simple touch. He lifted his camera and jostled it up and down. “I’m just making a video.”

“I know.” The girl spoke, and Dan watched as her cheeks started to flush as she took a sharp breath. “I watch your videos.”

“Oh,” Dan exclaimed in a pleasantly surprised gasp before briefly catching a glimpse of the girl’s face in the shot. “I’m meeting one of you guys! Hold on.” Dan’s thumb flicked the button to stop recording before he made his way over to Phil and the girl, laying his equipment carelessly on the low shelf he passed.

The girl was wringing her hands, eyes darting from Dan to the ground, as the freckles dotted across her cheeks stood out from her tomato red face.

“It’s okay.” Phil giggled lowly, drawing closer to the girl.“What’s your name?”

“Sofie.”

“Sofie,” Phil was properly bubbling over with merriment now as he placed a hand on Sofie’s shoulder with a nearly weightless pressure. “Do you like Pokémon?”

Sofie’s head was level with Phil’s jaw and as he curled his shoulders to bring himself a bit lower, Dan rolled his bottom lip under his teeth. Sofie was looking at Phil with round blue eyes, swallowing, before she answered:

“Er...yes?”

“Great!” Phil cheered, removing his hand from her shoulder to point at Dan. “What type of Pokémon trainer do you think Dan would be?”

_This is going to become a thing, isn’t it?_

Dan loosely folded his arms across his chest to let out a puff of air, swivelling his head, as he dipped his chin slightly with an indulgent half-smile.

_I see what you’re doing. You can’t just woo the people coming to see us._

Sofie hummed thoughtfully, popping out a hip as she drummed her fingers on her chin. “I mean... it depends?” She paused and Dan shot her what he hoped was a smile that would nudge her to say what was on her mind. It seemed to work, and Sofie continued, “Well… I would think dark because of your...uh…” Sofie waved at him inarticulately, even more color flooding her cheeks.

“It’s okay,” Dan encouraged, amused. “You can say it’s because I dress like death. I’m sure Ruthie would agree with you.”

Sofie sniggered, finally seeming to relax as she nodded, “I wouldn’t say it like that...how is Ruth?”

Phil flattened his lips before his tongue darted out to swipe across his top lip as Dan rocked back on his heels, a gentle “Mmm…” tumbling from his throat as the corners of his lips lifted.

“She’s good,” Dan answered, grinning at Sofie teasingly. “She has some news for you guys, but I can’t tell.”

Sofie’s cheeks were straining from how wide she was smiling, and she bounced on her toes before blurting out: “What is it?”

“All I can say is check Twitter.” Dan lowered one eyelid in a cheeky wink. His easy-going image slipped as Phil withdrew from Sofie’s side to adjust a pot of yellow clusters of star-shaped flowers.

“I will!” Sofie bubbled before she curled her fist loosely to hit her palm. “Fire.”

“What?” That outburst had caught Phil’s attention, and he let his arms fall from where he had been reaching to grab a wide, stout cactus to echo Dan’s single word of surprise in unison with the other.

“I was thinking that Dan might be a fire type trainer. Perhaps, with a specialized dark moveset?” Sofie fingers uncurled before circling her chin as her other arm came across her stomach. “You seem protective so you could have a team with a high defense and a beast like Chandelure.”

“I can see that,” Phil prattled as he retraced the small distance he had travelled away from Sofie and Dan. “He could have an Arcanine. It’s a bulky supporter. Though,” Phil frowned slightly. “I had pictured him as a psychic trainer.”

“That’s not something I had considered,” Sofie acknowledged Phil’s typing with a contemplative squint, nibbling on her lip. “It’s possible.”

A series of chirps interrupted their conversation, and Sofie coughed as her cheeks grew hotter once more. She reached into her pocket to glance at her mobile briefly, exhaling deeply, and muttering, “What horrible timing.” under her breath before raising her voice to an audible level with a disappointed sigh: “I got to go…”

“That’s okay,” Phil comforted before offering kindly, “You can stop by anytime, Sofie.” Phil pointed to Dan, eyes seeming to glow as he stage whispered: “I’m sure Dan needs a hug.”

Dan rolled his eyes at Phil good-naturedly before nodding at Sofie who froze at the suggestion, letting her slowly tread into his open arms with a springy step. He chuckled as he hugged her a bit tighter. “It was nice to meet you. Thanks for stopping by.”

Phil reached for Dan’s abandoned camera, and if you asked Dan later, he would almost swear that there was a tentative gossamer of tenderness swimming in those eyes as the equipment was carried with diligent care to the passenger seat.

_(Or maybe he was projecting. Just a tiny bit.)_

-

@danisnotonfire tweeted: i know i know i promised a video on friday. i’m working on it! here’s something: check out @pocketPHILofsunshine for your flowery needs.

October 7 3:27pm

@crabstickz retweeted: @danisnotonfire @pocketPHILofsunshine Eyyy. Getting that promo huh? Does this mean you will be online more? Can we collab?!

October 7 9:13pm

@LouisePentland retweeted: @pocketPHILofsunshine @danisnotonfire Definitely jumping on this train. Perhaps you recognize this face everyone?

October 8 8:04am

@RuthineHayes retweeted: Thank you @pocketPHILofsunshine… our carpet has never been more wet since the flowers have arrived.

October 8 11:11am

-

“I hate you.” is the greeting Dan gets the next day when he strolls up to where Phil is laying on his back, panting. His arms are streaked with dirt, and his chest is rising and falling with exertion as he smears away the sweat that has made its way past his headband.

“Because I’m late?” Dan dropped next to Phil to sit beside him, stretching his legs out.

“That and…” Phil wheezed, tapping his pocket where Dan could make out the edges of his phone. “Do you know what kind of uproar your tweet caused? I’ve gotten phone calls from at least seven people about it.”

“I thought promos were a good thing?” Dan murmured, kicking his heels slowly, watching the dirt shift under the sole of his shoe and travel up the sides. “I can delete it if you want?”

He doesn’t confess:  _I wanted to show people what they are missing. You should be noticed._

“Nah.” Phil’s fingers prodded his thigh lightly since he hadn’t moved from his position. “It’s fine. The last tweet on that account was a while back though.”

“Was it?” Dan hadn’t gotten a chance to browse the account but he made a mental note to do so when he returned home.

“Yeah,” Phil mumbled, eyelashes dark against his pale skin as he closed his eyes.

They sat in a comfortable silence as Phil’s breath evolved from harsh, whistling gasps to an even, steady flow. Dan pulled his left knee up to wrap his arms around it, taking in how the leaves of the plants adjusted to the changes in the wind and the crunching of fallen leaves as a jogger passed them by.

“I feel like an idiot.” Dan began with a hint of wry humor, and Phil’s eyelids raised unhurriedly.

“Why?”

“I didn’t realize that when you talked about Louise and Chris that you meant Sprinkle of Glitter and Crabstickz.”

“Oh. Is that a problem?”

“Not at all but…”

There was another moment of silence but this one wobbled heavily on their shoulders. Dan brought his other knee up to support his chin. He could still feel the slight pressure of Phil’s fingertips through his jeans, heating up his skin.

_Why do you look so tired, Phil?_

_Are you tired?_

Dan couldn’t speak through the nervous lump in his throat.

“Phil...why haven’t you tweeted in awhile?”

“I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

“Okay. That’s okay.”

Dan can’t explain the emptiness echoing in the chambers of his heart as Phil’s fingers leave their spot on his thigh...all he knows is that it hurts.

-

He checks @pocketPHILofsunshine later that night.

@pocketPHILofsunshine tweeted: The flower truck is up and moving again but back in London indefinitely!

2 years ago

@flowersfyeah replied: Aw! Sorry to see you go. Will you ever come back to Luxembourg?

2 years ago

@pocketPHILofsunshine replied: I will make trips up there periodically but not sure if I’ll be taking orders when I am up there.

2 years ago

@flowersfyeah: I understand. Give yourself time and space. Take care of yourself.

2 years ago

Dan brings a hand to clutch at the front of his dark shirt as he lets out a strangled whimper.

_What happened to Phil two years ago?_

-

They don’t talk about it.

Dan doesn’t ask even as the words throw themselves against his teeth because he knows that Phil doesn’t want to and he’s scared, if he’s being honest.

Phil doesn’t bat an eye.

He still smiles at Dan when he trudges up the path at seven in the morning but there’s a light shadow of purple under his muddy watercolour eyes. It takes Dan going straight to the mixed Zinnias and toppling over their huge pot, spilling a good amount of soil, for Phil to let out the softest of laughs as he hands Dan his gloves.

“We need to put this soil back and make them more comfortable.”

-

His hand had just gotten to the uncomfortable side of warm as he handed Phil the Starbucks cup. Phil immediately encircled it with both hands and a deep contented noise. Dan raised his own cup to his lips before gagging on the coffee as Phil wedged his nose between his thumb and pointer finger.

“Dan? Are you okay?” Phil set his untouched pumpkin spiced latte on the table before slapping Dan on the back in short bursts. “Does your coffee not taste good?”

“What the actual fuck, Phil?” Dan choked, the honeyed scent of caramel clinging to his nose. His eyes were watering but he had managed to not drop his caramel macchiato.  

_Thank you for small miracles._

“What?” Phil inquired, clueless to his part in Dan’s near death experience.

“Why would you…” Dan spulttered. He mimicked Phil’s earlier actions, pressing his own nose between his fingers.

“My nose was cold!” Phil defended immediately, his hand leaving Dan’s back to push against his side playfully. “And,” He scooped his cup up to take a deep breath from the small slit for sipping. “It smells like fall.”

“It’s November,” Dan scoffed, nudging Phil’s ankle half-heartedly with the front of his shoe. “I think it’s safe to say that it’s fall.” He swirled his drink absentmindedly.

“What did you get?” Phil pushed his head against Dan’s arm to sniff at his coffee like a curious puppy before his tongue made its appearance with his gleeful, “Nevermind! I know!” He swiped the paper fiber and polyethylene receptacle from Dan’s grip to replace it with his own. “C’mon, Dan. It’s the festive season- try something new!”

Dan regarded the latte with an exaggerated lift to his upper lip and wrinkles screwing up his nose as he sniffed at it with mock unease.

The apples of Phil’s cheeks hoisted higher even as he attempted to shoot Dan an unimpressed look.

He failed but Dan squeaked as Phil’s lips touched his caramel macchiato, tipping his head back to take a mouthful.

“Hey!”

Phil smacked his lips together before remarking, “You can’t go wrong with a Caramel Macchiato.”

Dan observed the way Phil’s eyebrows arched in a silent challenge, and he didn’t break eye contact as he took a swig of the Pumpkin Spice latte. It skated across his tastebuds pleasantly and Dan let out a moan of appreciation.

A tinge that resembled the carnations Phil had been talking to before their coffee break dusted the tips of his ears and across the arch of his cheeks.

“Da--”

“Lester? Is that you?”

Phil straightened immediately, a tiny, strained smile marring his lips, as he turned to face the owner of the raucous, husky voice. He tightened his grip on Dan’s drink before his feet started to move to the man with flaxen hair and sharp grey eyes.

“Alex?” Phil breathed, and Dan’s nails dug into his palm at the unguarded, bewildered confusion in those eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“I agreed to help with one of the animal hospitals in London. Apparently, their nurse bailed because of some personal issues,” Alex informed Phil, and Dan felt his blood start to rush through his veins faster as Phil was clapped on the shoulder none too gently. Dan fought to keep his expression in a semblance of friendliness as those eyes scanned him up and down. “I saw that the Twitter was more active. I didn’t think you would take that up- you being more interested in videos and all.”

“I am friends with YouTubers.” Phil’s voice was unbending with unrepentance even as he regarded Alex with mild exasperation. “I have been in several of their videos. You know that.”

“I do.” There was something to the saccharine tone that had Dan’s jaw clenching, and he made his way closer, stopping at the table where the metal box that served as Phil’s cash holder rested. Alex crossed an arm across his chest to rub at his left shoulder. “I never understood why Aiden encouraged you to be in those.”

Phil’s head jerked back as if he had been slapped, teeth clicking harshly as they came together.

Dan let Phil’s drink tumble from his hand, a low growl rumbling from deep in his chest. He ignored the liquid travelling across the wood as he took a step forward.

_I won’t let you hurt him. I won’t, I won’t, I won’t._

“Aiden always said, ‘You’re an entertainer.’-” Phil lowered his face, neck exposed to Alex’s gaze, and Dan could see the way the words were wrenched from a place that was hidden from his own eyes  _(and oh, how that made the stone walls of his heart crumble and disintegrate to dust_ ). “He wanted me to take opportunities that I wouldn’t otherwise. Remember how he gave me a lap dance for my twenty-first? Even though he was already feeling the effects?”

“He fell on you and laughed it off…” Alex squeezed his shoulder tighter and he let out a ghost of a laugh- brittle and acidic. “You were buzzing but you were still fussing over him and oh, you guys were  _gross-_ ”

The water streaming down Alex’s face took Dan by surprise and stilled the slow advancement that he had been making, but what threw him off-kilter was Phil’s consoling smile and outstretched arms.

_He hurt you. Don’t let him close to you._

_I will protect you._

Alex rushed to take solace in Phil’s tight hug and there was smoke climbing up his esophagus and he was being smothered and-

Dan came to himself as he knocked Alex away and wedged himself between the two men with a dangerously sonorous and scathing, “You don’t get to come here and hurt Phil and  _then_ have the audacity to hug him.  _Fuck off._ ”

Alex smeared the wetness on his cheeks with his palms as Dan’s eyes shot daggers at him. Cautious and curious calculating grey eyes darted to Phil who was wrapping his fingers around the fuming brunette’s bicep firmly.

“Daniel!” Phil snapped, tightening his grip as Dan spread his feet under Alex’s scrutiny. “Alexander is a friend of--”

“A friend, Phil? Really?” He spat, feeling his nails skim his palm as he flexed his fingers restlessly. “He comes here and--” Dan pushed forward as Alex slapped his palms against his trousers and pressed a tiny bit closer to Phil.

“Dan, I’m fine--”

“I have to say I’m impressed by your new boyfriend.” Alex’s eyes were somehow softer as he tilted his head where Phil was visible behind Dan’s shoulder. “Getting in a fight for you when he’s a public figure.”

Dan didn’t register the taunt for the light banter that it was, but his arm was suddenly not burdened by extra weight. He reared back at the assumption, a comfortable toastiness mingling with the whirlwind of rage scorching his blood.

_I should tell him that we’re not together._

_Ruth and I are…_

Dan narrowed his eyes at Alex but his mouth remained stubbornly shut as his own mind rasped:

_But you like that he assumed, don’t you?_

“He’s not my boyfriend, Alex!” Phil exploded, manhandling Dan out of the way so he could properly glare at his friend. His shoulders squared as he smacked Alex roughly on his chest with an open palm. “You asshole!” The outrage in Phil’s voice was overshadowed by the way his voice cracked, and he pressed his forehead against the back of his hand, breathing heavily.

“He’s not?” Alex’s palms hovered over Phil’s shaking shoulders before they landed and crushed Phil to him. “Shit. I…”

“...were meddling like you always do,” Phil sniffled, and Dan ached to reach out to pull him away into his own arms but he could do nothing as Alex let out a long, audible whoosh, making the hair pushed behind Phil’s ear ruffle. “I get it.”

“You don’t.”

Dan couldn’t stand by anymore and he marched over to Phil. The knitting of his jumper compressed as Dan’s palm came to rest just under his shoulder blades. He tapped his fingers in an idle pattern, starting to drag the flat of his hand across Phil’s spine, as Alex mumbled,

“You and Aiden were supposed to be the first ones married, you know? He’s supposed to be here with you, and Phil, it’s been three years but you still look like the week after-” Phil’s single, broken wail had Dan jumping and Alex tightening his hold. Dan pleaded with Alex silently to  _stop, please, please_  but the blonde gave a small shake of his head before continuing determinedly, “He would kill me if I didn’t check on you while I was in town but then- I saw you...you were laughing and sharing--”

“Stop.” Phil sobbed, struggling against Alex’s embrace and jostling Dan’s hand as he did so. “Please. I can’t--”

“Phil,” Alex shushed him softly, and he tugged Phil forward as he drug his feet back until Dan was no longer touching him. “I think we need to talk...seriously.” He pivoted and Dan was met with the back of Alex’s dark blue scrubs, gritting his teeth to keep the venomous insults from leaping from his tongue at the isolating gesture. “In private.”

“Alex, I really don’t want to close up shop,” Phil argued, clearing his throat to dislodge the mucus clogging his voice. “It can wait.”

“Like therapy?” Alex retorted and Phil retreated from his loosened grasp, using the sleeve of his jumper to wipe away the wetness under his nose. Phil’s cheeks were blotchy and his lashes glittered in the sunlight as he raked his fingers through his fringe.

“Alex, you are my friend,” Phil began, shrugging his shoulder to get rid of the trails of salt water on his cheeks, before he crossed his tense arms over his chest. “-but we are not discussing this now. I have to work.”

Alex mimicked Phil’s defensive posture as he sneered, “You’re as stubborn as always. It’s going to be your downfall.”

“Maybe so,” Phil conceded before his lips turned up in one corner in a mockery of his playful cheekiness. “It is good to see you. Really.”

Alex’s head bobbed once before he stomped away from their little standoff, thumping Phil once in the shoulder with a mild hand. Phil watched him go and Dan couldn’t keep his eyes off of Phil who waited until it was quiet enough to hear the birds chirping from a tree a bit further in the park and the distant laughter of the children on the playground before he sucked in air slowly through his nose.

Dan watched the way his chest rose with the action, how his eyes dimmed and flickered like a lightbulb about to go out, while Phil pinched the bridge of his nose as he let out a long exhale. He seemed to deflate along with his lungs- shoulders jumping up to his ears, spine curving outwards so he didn’t take up as much space before he opened his mouth.

“Sorry about him,” Phil apologized sheepishly, scrubbing his fingers through his hair to make his fringe flop into its normal position. “Alex can be...intense.”

“It’s okay,” Dan reassured absentmindedly, tugging the cuffs of his jumper over his hands while he chewed his bottom lip. “I probably didn’t make the best first impression myself.”

“He means well,” Phil explained, twiddling his feet with jittery movements. “I’m sure he knows you did, too.”

Phil’s stuttering breaths mixed with the rustling of the wind and Dan shoved his covered hands deep in his jean pockets.

“Phil?”

“Dan?” Phil wasn’t looking at him, focusing on the way his feet drug through the dirt, how a tiny cloud of particles would pop up before raining on his shoes.

“Who’s Aiden?”

It took Phil a long moment to answer, burrowing his own hands in his trousers in that strange but endearing way Dan had noticed. His tongue swept across his lower lip before his warm breath ghosted over it in a sharp exhale.

“He was my boyfriend.”

“What happened to him?”

Dan’s heart thumped violently against the bones that encased it while the sound of his blood rushed through his ears. Phil didn’t say anything for many thundering, earth shattering heartbeats.

Phil lost the fight to keep himself together, bringing his palms to press against his cheeks as the curtain of salt water overlaying his irises overflowed once more. This wasn’t the body wracking sobs that Alex had caused with his visit but a soundless cry with droplets pooling in the crevices of his fingers.

“He died.” Phil couldn’t even muster the strength to fully engage his vocal cords but Dan heard.

Dan went to his florist, hands hovering over him uncertainly.

_What can I possibly say to that?_

_What could anyone possibly say?_

“Can I hug you?” Dan whispered and Phil nodded, head still buried in his hands.

_It’s something at least._

Dan enveloped Phil. He circled his arms around Phil’s waist, pulling him as close to him as he possibly could. Phil let his hands drop to wind around Dan’s neck as if he was the only thing grounding him in this moment where he couldn’t force that glittering broken glass smile.

Dan could only hold on tighter as Phil hid his face in the juncture of his neck and cried those horrible silent tears, murmuring, “I’m here.” over and over again.

-

@pocketPHILofsunshine: Making an impromptu trip to Luxembourg. I will be taking a limited amount of deliveries. Should be back in London the first week of December

November 9 4:48am

@pocketPHILofsunshine: Check the website for more details and specific areas!  :)  (Link)

November 9 4:49am

-

**From: Phil**

**Lou has been asking me for your number. Would you mind if I gave it to her?**

**November 11 2:21pm**

 

**From: Dan**

**what for?**

**November 11 2:25pm**

 

**From: Phil**

**She said something about a collab? I don’t know. She seems determined.**

**November 11 2:39pm**

 

**From: Dan**

**ooo i’m scared. go ahead.**

**November 11 2:43pm**

 

**From: Phil**

**I’ll tell her to be nice! Thanks Danny!**

**November 11 2:50pm**

-

**From: Louise**

**Daniel Howell.**

**November 12 8am**

 

**From: Dan**

**Hello to u too. some of us like to sleep until a decent hour.**

**November 12 1:17pm**

 

**From: Louise**

**Seriously? It’s the afternoon!**

**November 12 1:37pm**

 

**From: Dan**

**not for everyone. phil said u wanted to collab?**

**November 12 1:40pm**

 

**From: Louise**

**Actually, I would like to speak to you in person.**

**November 12 1:43pm**

 

**From: Dan**

**about what exactly?**

**November 12 2pm**

 

**From: Louise**

**Phil. It’s important.**

**November 12 2:01pm**

 

**From: Dan**

**when are u free?**

**November 12 2:02pm**

-

“Dan, you’ll be fine.” Ruth assured him as they stood outside the glass doors of the London YouTube space. She had her pinkie hooked through his own loosely and Dan released it to take a shuddering breath, combing a few hairs of his fringe into place. “It’s not like she’s some shady serial killer, babe, seriously.”

“I know,” Dan groaned, turning to Ruthie. Her shoulder length hair had been swept into a brown clip primly, and her lips were painted a ruby red. Dan took a moment to take a breath before bumping the back of her hand with his. “It’s just nerve wracking. I stayed up to watch her videos to get a sense of how she is, but you can only see so much through a camera lens and a couple of minutes…”

“You said she wanted to collab with you- I don’t think there is anything to worry about.” Ruth wrapped a hand around the upper portion of his arm to kiss him lightly on the cheek. “Besides, I’m sure Phil is fine. She probably wants to see if you three can do a video together!”

_“He died.”_

_Moisture coated his skin as Phil shivered in his embrace, and the pain of having an extensive vocabulary but with no words at his disposal to make the pain go away…_

_All Dan could do was sway as he held him and hope that it was helping. Even if it was an insignificant amount._

_“I’m fine.” Phil lifted his head after a while with swollen eyes and snot slicked lips, and Dan had to sit there and watch as those eyes closed before, after a trembling breath, Phil gave him a tiny tremulous smile. “Sorry about your jumper.”_

“...yeah,” Dan agreed, trying to hide his doubtfulness at Ruth’s reassurance. “I’m sure that’s it.”

Ruth’s fingers gave a gentle squeeze before she stepped back, straightening the cuffs of the grey pinstripe suit jacket she was wearing. She raised up finger guns and clicked her tongue as her heels clacked on the pavement noisily as she backed away from him.

“You’ll be fine!”

Dan smiled but his dimple was shallow and Ruth wiggled her fluttering fingers in a wave before she wheeled around to continue to the filming location she needed to be at.

Dan took a deep breath and rested his hand on the handle.

_I can do this._

He opened the door and entered the lobby, relaxing slightly at the familiar atmosphere, as he made his way to the office spaces. Since it would only be him and Louise, it wouldn’t make sense to use one of the large conference rooms. The offices were smaller- they would give the two of them privacy.

That didn’t ease his nerves one bit because that meant that there was less room for escape and his fight or flight response was already activated. His heart was thrumming chaotically and his palms were shaking slightly, but he could do this. He had stood on a stage at VidCon with an innumerable amount of eyes on him, clutching a faulty microphone, as he answered questions, and he had survived.

Besides…

_It’s about Phil._

Louise was sitting on a plush blue couch, legs crossed gracefully at her ankles. The top portion of her hair was pinned to the back of her head with large ringlets resting on her shoulders. She had a large pink porcelain mug nestled in her lap as she laughed at something Chris was saying.

_What’s he doing here?!_

“Dan!” Louise greeted, standing at his approach, smoothing down her dark dress after she set the mug down on the glass top of the modern-style coffee table. “Thank you for coming.”

“It’s no problem,” Dan slipped into his professional voice, following Louise’s lead. “It’s nice to finally meet you, officially.”

“Likewise,” Louise affirmed before dipping her head at where Chris was seated beside her. “It’s time for you to go, Chris, darling.” Her eyes didn’t have any crinkles to suggest that she was upset but the slight tautness in the inflection of her words left no room for argument.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m going,” Chris laughed as he pushed himself off the couch with his arm. “Go easy on him, Lou.”

“You’re one to talk,” Louise snorted, slapping Chris with moderate force against his shoulder. “You were being a prat at the meeting,” She chastised, and Chris made a show of rubbing the ‘injured’ area, pouting childishly. “Come on now, off you go.”

Dan couldn’t help but smile at the display of Chris and Louise’s playfully antagonistic friendship. It grew as Chris made a spluttering noise by pressing his tongue and lips together at her.

Chris’ face dropped into a solemn expression a second later, and Dan’s delighted smile dissolved immediately at the change. Chris rested his fingertips on Louise’s forearm delicately.

“Just enough, Lou.” The words held an unspoken warning as well as a note of finality. “Phil would not be happy if you…”

 _If she what?_ Dan’s mind wondered.

“Of course,” Louise acknowledged, patting Chris’ fingers before he pulled away.

He waved enthusiastically at Dan before departing- rushing away from them with quick, hasty footsteps.

It was just the two of them now, and Dan slid his hands into the recesses of his pockets to conceal their now noticeable trembling. Louise didn’t seem much better as she flipped the ends of her hair with her thumb before sighing, motioning to the blue armchair beside the couch.

“I’m not going to bite you, Dan. I just want to talk.”

“You know,” Dan stammered as his legs carried him stiffly to the chair. His hands remerged to grip the edge of both armrests as he fell into it. “I told Phil I was scared of you. I was joking at first but now, I’m properly terrified.” He managed a strained chuckle.

“I know...he made me promise that I wouldn’t give you the third degree,” Louise commented, lips pulling up in the corners a small fraction. “He’s very fond of you, you know.” The miniscule smile that had appeared fell away and she clasped her hands in her lap. “Which is why we need to have this talk.”

Dan rocked onto his left hip then his right, recalling how he used to do the exact same thing when he was a child and his mother was scolding him. He nibbled his lip- catching a dry piece with his tooth, pulling until it stung and a coppery scent invaded his nose.

_What would Phil not be happy about you telling me?_

The question sat heavy on the flat of his tongue like a fat cat lazing in the sun and he could feel the curve of the letters skimming his teeth like gentle scrapes of sheathed claws. He swallowed before reclining against the back of his chair.

“If Phil hasn’t complained about me, what is the problem?” Dan challenged weakly, bringing his fingers to his mouth to camouflage the tiny bead of blood that he knew was there.

“You made a vlog, recently,” Louise interjected, unclasping her hands to drum her fingers against her knee. “A Day in the Life?”

“Yes?” Dan confirmed with a questioning lilt, unsure why his sporadic vlogging was relevant to the conversation.

“With Phil.” Louise prompted, leaning forward slightly.

_Oh._

Dan resisted the urge to press deeper into the cushion supporting his spine.

“Yes?” He repeated, uncertainly.

“When you edited the footage,” Louise continued casually, plucking her drink from the table to take a sip. “Did anything stand out to you?” Dan blinked slowly at her, not trusting himself to speak, and Louise continued as she dropped the mug from her lips. “Because some of those jump cuts are not as neat as they can be.”

“It happens,” Dan countered petulantly, frowning at the unintentional subtle jab to his editing skills.

“There has to be a reason,” Louise retorted with a single arched brow. “Your recent videos are clean cut. You’ve definitely improved since you started so why the sudden choppiness?”

Dan rolled his lips together, hissing inaudibly at the rawness of the throbbing split from his earlier biting, as he resisted the urge to confirm Louise’s suspicions right away.

It was true. He had chopped the footage a bit messily because there were split second frames of Phil’s slightly drooped shoulders and the turmoil that Dan could only imagine the depth of evident in the worn down sheen covering his gaze. When he had been sitting at his computer with his headphones covering his ears… he had known that he couldn’t leave those snippets in, those moments that exposed the cracks in Phil’s armor, to be witnessed and commented on by semi-anonymous users on a video sharing site because it was Dan’s career choice.

Phil hadn’t agreed to be studied by his ( _sometimes_ ) overly observant fans, and he certainly didn’t agree to the negative commentary that inevitably popped up on every video.

So, he had cut out Phil’s soft, “My partner did.” but that skip was glaringly obvious in the final product.

_Maybe it drew more attention to the other snips I did._

_It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t need to know your reasoning._

Dan wiggled so he was sitting closer to the edge of the seat, unwilling to admit anything to Louise.

_I know I did the right thing._

Even if she was Phil’s friend (and hadn’t been unreasonable so far), he didn’t have any reason to trust her with his thoughts.

Louise surprised him. She didn’t try to cajole him into responding or snark at his stubborn tenacity to not answer her question. Instead, she gave him a lenient, patient smile before she took a deep breath, her nails making a low _tink-tink-tink_ against the porcelain still resting in her hands.

“Phil mentioned that you know about Aiden, so...” Dan’s jolted upright swiftly and ignored the way his vertebrae popped in several places, interested in the name he had heard a handful of times. His eyes followed Louise’s gaze as it dropped to her lap. A faint unhappy note buzzed through the air before she sighed, “Let me tell you a story.”

Dan lips quirked upwards as the tentative light-hearted tease jumped from the tip of his tongue, “Story time?”

“Hush, you.” Louise giggled once before she let herself sink into the cushions, the tapping of her nails ceasing. “I met Phil purely by chance. He and Aiden were in London to look at the Uni here around the time we moved down. They had decided to bring the van to try and sell a couple of bouquets.”

“Phil’s been doing the flower thing for that long?” Dan chortled, bringing a hand to his temple. “I can’t say I’m not surprised.”

“It wasn’t a proper business then. It was a side project,” Louise supplied with a tone that belied her soft spot for An Array of Sunshine and its owners. “Or so, Phil insisted.”

“Right.” Dan’s skepticism of Phil’s past self permeated the way his lips moved with the syllables of the single word. “A side project. Go on.”

“So, I met them both. Aiden was not what you would expect-” Louise brought a hand to cover her mouth as she pulsated with remembered merriment. “He was always dipping his toes in new experiences. It would drive Phil up the wall but,” She angled her head as she pinned Dan with light eyes devoid of any deceit and glimmering with quiet sympathy. “Aiden was so sweet with Phil. He adored him. And Phil…”

_I don’t know if I want to hear this._

Dan let backbone curve as his body slid lower in his seat.

“Phil loved that boy, Dan,” Louise told him compassionately, setting her mug on the table, before she rested her hand lightly on his forearm. “When Aiden was diagnosed, he went straight to his advisor to change his face to face lectures to online courses.”

“What…” Dan began, Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. “...was Aiden’s condition?”

Louise hesitated a moment, fingers compressing his skin before relaxing. Her front teeth sunk into her lower lip as she seemed to come to a decision. “Have you heard of Lou Gehrig’s disease?”

“Um-” Dan hedged, moving his arm to dislodge Louise’s grasp, before he admitted. “No.”

“That’s alright. It’s a motor neuron disease that causes the muscles to weaken and atrophy,” Louise explained easily, running a finger around the shell of her ear to make sure her hair was held away from her face. “Eventually, people can lose use of their arms and legs.” Louise’s voice dropped as she continued, “That’s part of the reason Aiden went to the doctor. He was struggling with using the tools at work.”

Dan’s head swam with this information as he tried to imagine operating without being able to manipulate things with his hands or not being able to stroll about his flat like he did at times. It was a difficult concept to grasp, and he wondered how he would have taken it if he had been the one to receive the news.

Or, been the one who had to see his significant other being told the news.

_Aiden had to tell Phil. How could he possibly have done that?_

“Why are you telling me this?” Dan managed through his constricted airways. “Chris said, ‘Just enough.’ before he left...is this…” He jerked his hand outwards to Louise before bringing it stiffly to himself. “Is this what he meant? Is this enough or too much?” A realization streaked across his mind in a blaze after he said Chris’ name. “Is Phil not going to be happy you told me?”

“No, no,” Louise pacified him calmly as she stood to pace in the space at the other end of the coffee table. “Aiden’s diagnosis isn’t a secret, Dan. Chris was referring to something else entirely.”

 _Like what?_ Dan wanted to demand but there was a painful knot twisting in his throat and a heavy weight on his chest as Louise took a couple of steps forward to turn and repeat in the opposite direction.

“Why are you telling me this?” Dan repeated because he couldn’t think of anything else to say, rubbing at the base of his throat over the divot where his collarbones met his sternum.

“Because you vlogged with Phil,” Louise blurted out, stopping her nervous movement to hold out her upward facing palms. “Phil is still struggling with Aiden’s death, Dan. It’s been three years but they grew up together and it can take  _years_  -” Louise stressed, hands waving wildly as her words gained speed. “It  _is_  taking years for him to grieve, and he’s still pretending he’s  _okay_  and you go and shove a  _camera_ -”

“I didn’t know.” The burning, pricking sensation in the corner both of his eyes had him grinding a balled fist into his right one, inhaling through his nose gruffly. He leaned on it. “I didn’t know.”

Louise’s anger melted instantly with his whispered words and she sighed, dragging her feet on the carpet until she was standing in front of him.

“I know,” She mumbled before leaning down to clutch his shoulders. “I just don’t think Phil should be exposed to the craziness that is your comment section. Have you read some of them?”

“I haven’t been on much,” Dan confessed with a sniffle. “Ruthie and I have been spending time together since she’s been filming and I’ve been working on some new skits…”

 _And missing Phil._ He adds to himself as Louise’s eyes flickered to the cheek Ruth had kissed before they had parted ways with a troubled downward twist of her lips.

“You should. Your fanbase has some...interesting things to say.”


	4. Bargaining (Phil)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His friends are worried (and they shouldn't be, he thinks) but Phil is starting to crack slowly but surely. He's also growing fond of Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: Nightmares and mentions of blood and broken bones (in those dreams). Just in case you need it!

_He was sitting in his old biology class, facing the whiteboard, as his sneakered feet squeaked along the tiles. Phil sighed, adjusting his glasses nervously. He could feel his stomach churning around the breakfast his mum had prepared, and he hoped that he wasn’t going to be sick on the first day of Year 10._

_It couldn’t be as bad as the start of Year 7 when he had walked into his class with bright neon orange hair._

_Never again._

_Phil vowed silently to himself._

_“Hey!” An excited but perturbed boy suddenly slammed his hand into the black topped table and Phil reared back, quickly forcing his weight back to the front of his body to keep himself from tipping the stool back and throwing himself off._

_His alarmed gaze met fierce pine-coloured eyes warily and Phil squeaked, “Yes?”_

_“This is my seat!” The boy groused at him, tossing his head back like a wild horse to dislodge the block of hair that seemed determined to irritate his eye. “I had my bag here but I’m sure that prat, John, took it!” He snapped his head left then right before muttering, “He’s in for a row when I get him, stupid…”_

_The rest had lowered to an inaudible but irritated drone and Phil couldn’t help but regard him with an entertained but unsure quirk of his lips._

_“I...uh…” Phil began, tugging on the weird reddish mousey brown his hair had morphed to after his terrible dye job. “I like this seat.” He told the other quietly, eyes lowering shyly, as his cheeks flooded with heat. “I was hoping…”_

_“What’s your name?” The boy piped in, cutting him off mid-sentence._

_Phil let a wide, genuine smile spread across his face at the rough but interested query before he responded, “I’m Philip. I like Phil better, though.”_

_“Aiden,” The boy supplied before he let both his hands lift from where they had been resting on the table and brought them to his chest, “Since we both like this seat- why don’t we play fair?”_

_“What?” Phil’s voice went to a higher octave with his confusion, cracking in the middle of the exclamation embarrassingly._

_“Rock-Paper-Scissors!” Aiden puffed an exasperated sigh at him but his stance thawed slightly at Phil’s unthreatening and even-tempered countenance. “You want this seat. I want this seat. Winner takes all.”_

_“So…” Phil clarified, “All or nothing?”_

_“All or nothing!” Aiden screeched in hyped agreement, starting to bounce on the tips of his shoes. “This will be my seat!”_

_Phil’s tongue was wedged between his teeth seconds later as Aiden spluttered indignantly, invading his space without a thought, “Alien **does not count**! You’re such a cheater, Phil!”_

Phil ached to reach out a hand to ruffle this Aiden’s hair with playful but slightly irked fingers… He couldn’t help it, Phil knew, because the Aiden in Year 10 was untamed with never ending energy and hadn’t discovered an outlet yet.

He was dreaming, he knew that he was dreaming, but that didn’t make the want in his chest lessen.

He didn’t fight the weightless, floating sensation encasing his body as he was tossed from one scene to another.

_Aiden looked absolutely terrified, pushing back the vibrant lime green piece of fringe he had decided to dye._

(“No, please, no, no, no.” Phil tried to wail, beg, _plead_ but he couldn’t stop his body from reclining as he did then because it might be a dream but it was also a memory.

He didn’t have any control here- and no matter how much it tore apart the glittering, reflective shards of his heart...he wouldn’t trade this particular remembrance for the world.)

_“However you’re imagining I’ll react,” Phil lifted the bottle of apple cider to point its long neck at Aiden to emphasize his words. “It won’t be that bad, Den-Den.”_

_“No,” Aiden groaned in his direction before snatching the bottle so he could take a swig. “I vetoed that name when I turned fifteen. I forbid it.”_

_Phil giggled, leaning his head on Aiden’s shoulder, before letting his eyes wander around the rugby pitch. He admired the healthy green of the grass for a moment then he angled his head to take in Aiden’s pinched brows and trembling lips._

_“Seriously, Adey,” Phil hummed, body sinking further into Aiden. “You know you can tell me anything.”_

_“I know,” Aiden confirmed immediately, sloshing the cider in his grasp, as he closed his eyes. Phil waited quietly, letting him take a few steeling breaths, before a flurry of determined but shaky syllables strung together into a single hesitant coherent sentence, “I’m gay.”_

_“Okay,” Phil replied without any judgement but with mild surprise, “Did you think that would chase me away?” He raised his head from its comfortable resting place with the corners of his mouth pulled down by gravity to focus on his friend._

_“No,” Aiden snickered, smacking his thigh with the bottle. Phil’s brow unwrinkled with Aiden’s confident answer. He accepted the drink, wrapping his lips around the opening, and tilted his head back. “I know there are plenty of guys and girls who would have told me that... had I asked.”_

_Phil spat out the alcohol unceremoniously, grimacing at the dribble sliding down his chin and the stickiness on his outstretched legs._

_“Aiden!”_

_“It’s not my fault you’ve left a trail of broken hearts in your wake!”_

_Aiden looked completely unrepentant, falling on his back to roll on the ground as he clutched his stomach. Phil growled and pounced on the other, digging his fingers with force into the vulnerable spaces between Aiden’s ribs. He howled and suddenly, they were wrestling- tossing each other off when they could, hands tugging harshly at clothes to try and gain an advantage, and-_

_Phil was (unsurprisingly) pinned but Aiden was huffing and puffing enough to make him snark,_

_“Am I too much for you?”_

_Aiden’s grip on his wrists tightened briefly before he released his hold. Phil blinked as the weight pressing down on him pleasantly disappeared. Aiden laid on his back beside him, trying to regain his breath._

_“Sometimes,” Aiden murmured, lifting his hand to the night sky. “Sometimes, you are, but that’s because I love you. I’ve fallen in love with you, Dibbit.”_

_Phil quickly sat up so he could collapse onto Aiden, smashing their lips together. The slight sweetness of the cider mixed pleasantly with the natural spiciness of Aiden’s tongue as they kissed and Phil cuddled closer as Aiden slung an arm across his back securely._

_“I love you, too.”_

Phil got thrown to reality for a moment, fingers slipping clumsily across the sheets for his phone that was going off with the chirpy tone he had set for his text messages. His groggy, sleep-addled mind barely registered the name, “Ellie” before he dropped it, drowning under the crashing waves of slumber despite his efforts to fight against it.

_“I can’t do this.” Phil’s shoulders were hiked up as he snarled at the woman regarding him with understanding swimming in irises that mirrored Aiden’s. “I can’t, and I won’t, Ellie.”_

_“He’s made his decision, Phil,” Eleanor pointed out, slowing her speech as if talking to a frightened child, and her tired, red-rimmed eyes caught his own puffy, sore gaze. “You knew this.” She ran her fingers through his mucked up fringe, combing the strands straight back. “He chose a doctor in Luxembourg for a reason. You knew this, honey.”_

_“I know,” Phil’s eyes were watering, but he didn’t fight the constant trickle of water starting to stream down his cheeks. “I-I-”_

_“He wants to say his good-byes. He’s asking-” Ellie interrupted herself with a weak shake of her head before continuing, “He’s demanding to see you. The doctor is worried that he’ll pull out his breathing tube with his thrashing.” Her hands were leaden as they fell to his shoulders. “This is it.”_

_“It-he-” Phil started and stopped uselessly. “I-Just-”_

_“He’s ready.” Phil watched as Ellie’s cheeks started to glisten under the harsh fluorescent lights. “He loves you, Phil, and he’s scared. The last thing he told me he wants to see,” She turned away from his face as she stifled a sob, “is you.”_

Phil shot upright with a strangled cry, fingers tangling in his sheets as he clutched them to his chest as a flimsy makeshift shield. His whole body was drenched with sweat- pajama bottoms coiled around his legs suffocatingly, sleeping shirt plastered to his chest- and Phil kicked his legs to get some air as violent sobs tore through him.

He forced the fabric in his hand against his mouth to muffle the sounds threatening to splinter his sternum apart, collapsing on his right side. He curved his legs close to his body.

The utter hopelessness that usually slept nestled somewhere buried in his heart wrenched even more high wails from his throat, and Phil could almost feel the throbbing tenderness that would overtake his throat later but he continued to cry. His mind was bubbling with the emotions he had become so adept at hiding and they were churning, twisting, mixing into a painful mess of cosmic dust that caused his eyes to sting and overflow without his permission.

Phil remembered hearing, somewhere, that there was always something beautiful that came in moments of suffering.

As he let the pain consume him, Phil couldn’t help but think that whoever said that was a damned liar because he cried and hurt and there was nothing poetic about the way his voice gave out along the way or the way his eyes were pulsing agonizingly from the salt of his soul or the grossness of tasting the runny mucus clinging to his lips but there wasn’t anything he could do to stop the sudden outpouring of everything that had been festering and growing since he had held Aiden’s hand as he had drifted away.

So he whimpered and shrieked and bawled until he sank into a ( _thankfully_ ) blank and dreamless sleep.

-

Phil woke up with a throat begging for water, eyes raw as if sandpaper had been rubbed over them, and a painfully full bladder. He moaned as he unravelled himself from his compact position before standing and teetering on stiff legs slowly, trying to work out the cramps by pressing his heels firmly into the floor as he made his way into the bathroom to try and make himself feel at least a little bit more human.

After a steaming hot shower and armed with a strong cup of coffee in his favorite mug, Phil sat on his bed with his laptop resting beside him and his phone in his hand.

_You have to look at your messages. It’s probably not that bad._

_It could be worse._

_You feel like shit- it’s probably not that bad._

Phil sighed before tapping on the little speech bubble icon stamped with a small circle containing the number “6”.

 

**Ellie**

**It was good to see you, honey. Just remember what I said.**

**December 3 4:30am**

 

Phil couldn’t help but give an affectionate scoff at the ridiculously early message. Ellie had always been one to go to bed when there was still light out and wake up before the sun.

Aiden had definitely not taken after his mother.

Phil bit his lip as he closed the thread with a decisive stab of his thumb.

He could respond to her later because they had caught lunch together at a cozy cafe while he was in Luxembourg. Phil couldn’t help his lips from lifting in a relieved smile as he remembered how her eyes had regained some of their spark, the new caramel highlights streaking through the dark strands of her hair, and how the dark bags that had perpetually clung to the skin under her lower lids had lightened until they were barely noticeable.

She had looked good- if not happy, then… in the process of healing.

_“I’m just asking you to think about it.”_

Phil clicked on the next glowing thread.

 

**Chris**

**I am not responsible if Lou goes tearing through London. Just saying.**

**December 3 11:20am**

 

_Oh, god._

Phil groaned, sliding his glasses up as the flat of his hands rested against his aching eyes. That had been sent a little over five hours ago and if Chris was giving him a warning in his own dismissive, jokey way then Lou wasn’t just simmering with irritation… she was livid and ready to act.

_I’m too tired for this._

He removed his right hand to skim under the tan rubber band encircling his left wrist, lifting it and settling his finger against his pulse point for a bit, before he clicked the phone to dial Chris’ number as a thought struck him:

_I hope Darcy is okay._

“Phil!” Chris greeted him cheerfully and Phil couldn’t help but chuckle at his friend’s infectious buoyant attitude. “Nice to know you still love me!”

“Just a little,” Phil teased. He took a sip of his coffee to try and ease some of the hoarseness of his voice, settling it safely on the white nightstand after so he could lean back into his blue and green pillow. “What’s wrong with Lou? Is Darcy alright?”

“Darc is peachy,” Chris chattered carelessly. Phil could hear some clanking in the background from what sounded like pots and pans. “It’s Dan you have to worry about.”

Just the sound of Dan’s name unfurled a pleasant warmth in the pit of his stomach and a restless spasm made his fingers close briefly. He had missed the witty boy while he was away. Texting could only do so much.

Phil lifted his mobile from his temple to switch ears as he flipped to rest on his front to interrogate Chris calmly,  “What did Dan do? I told Lou not to be too hard on him. He doesn’t know about how Adey-” Phil cleared his throat, pulling the rubber band back until it snapped back with a sting, before carrying on, “What Aiden chose. It’s a very hot topic and most people are not for it here-”

“Relax, Phil,” Chris urged him in a gently calming murmur before he uttered: “You know we have your back. We won’t tell anyone anything if you aren’t ready. But,” Chris’ went on with a humored lilt. “That’s not the problem.”

“What’s happened, then?”

“Haven’t you been on Twitter?” Phil could just picture his friend’s slight pout as he tossed the question at him with a slight whine. “Get with the times, mate!”

“So says you,” Phil jested right back, eying the drink that was just a bit out of his reach now. He contemplated whether he wanted to sit up to get it but Phil gave a mental shrug as he merely propped up on his elbow and stretched for it. “Before Dan tagged me in that post, your Twitter was a dead zone!”

“I’m taking a break, remember?” Chris reminded him with a coquettish lisp, and Phil paused in his cautious pawing to locate his mug’s handle to snicker. “I have a reason!”

“Right,” Phil deadpanned.

“That’s not the point! The point is you and Dan are one of-if not  _ **the**_ \- top trending tags!”

Phil brought his hand down suddenly at the unexpected news, hissing as his skin cells sizzled underneath the coffee that flooded his hand.

“Shit!” He cursed as he snatched his hand back to cradle against his chest, scooting forward so he wouldn’t disturb his computer, so he could put his feet down…

“Are you okay?” Chris sounded only somewhat concerned. “Did you walk into your table again?”

“No-” Phil started but yelped as hot liquid seeped through his sock and ignited a sharp pain in his foot. “Fuck!” He tumbled back on his bed, ripping the sock with little printed fox heads off his foot, crushing the phone under his cheek and depressing some numbers with his chin.

Chris was howling with laughter, and Phil let out the best guttural growl he could give in response as he rubbed the tender flesh on the underside of his foot.

_Today is just not my day._

He sat for a moment, listening to Chris trying to pull himself together. His friend blew out a couple of loud exhales before inhaling and...promptly dissolving into more unstoppable giggles.

_Chris, you’re such an asshole._

Phil leaned into the receiver with a tilt of his head, eyes radiating with a sweet but strained glow, as he took in the sounds of Chris’ momentary happiness.

_“You look good.” He tells Ellie sincerely because she does. “Sorry that I haven’t been by since last Christmas…” Phil trailed off, bending his knees to bring himself closer to Ellie’s height, before he started to ramble. “Maybe I’ll come up for Thanksgiving…”_

_“Thank you, love.” Ellie pressed a kiss to his forehead as she stepped back from the hug they had been sharing. “I’ve been feeling good. Must be the autumn vibes and bright colors.” She tapped him on his cheek dotingly before clicking her tongue at him disapprovingly, “Nonsense. You’ve kept in touch plenty. Besides,” Her lips stretched into a small, contented smile. “You’re here now.”_

_“Yeah…” Phil agreed guilty, pulling out the dark metal chair for her. “I’m sorry I took so long to come by…”_

_“Thank you.” Ellie squeezed his shoulder consolingly before she sat down, fluffing out the loose sea green skirt over her lap. “I can’t take you away from Cath for Thanksgiving. She misses you and your brother more than you think.”_

_Phil merely smiled as he took his own seat across from Ellie. He really had missed her._

_“How about New Year’s?” Ellie suggested, “If you are adamant about wanting to stop by and catch up, Sammie will be done with her A-levels by then.” Ellie grinned at him, obviously proud of her daughter and her tentative plans for the future. “I bet she would love to see her adopted older brother before she starts Uni.”_

_“That’s an idea!” Phil enthused, trying to keep his excited bouncing discreet as he fought to stay seated._

_“Now that that’s settled…” Ellie’s eyes narrowed as she focused on him, laying her hands neatly over each other and the menu resting on the table. “How are you doing?”_

_Phil stilled, licking his lips, before forcing another smile- making sure to move his tongue to rest between his teeth._

_“I’m…okay.”_

“I don’t know what I am going to do yet,” Phil uttered finally, rising to his feet out of the reach of the brown puddle. “But I am going to have my revenge. This coffee is going to take forever to get out of the carpet!”

_Everyone but you seems to be on stable ground._

“You spilled coffee on yourself?” Chris wheezed and his voice lowered, worry bleeding through. “Are you okay? Really?”

_Just smile. You’re fine._

“Yeah.” The word caught against the walls of his throat but he managed to force it out. Phil padded to the kitchen to snatch the bright green dish towel from its resting place on his oven’s handle, popping the band against his skin in three quick successions. “I was just taken off guard.” He disclosed sheepishly before going back to the news that had caused the minor disaster in his bedroom. “What was this about me and Dan being a top tag?”

Chris went quiet. All Phil could hear was the hushed sizzling of whatever was being prepared on the other end of the line.

“Chris?”

“Remember that vlog you were in?”

“Yeah?” Phil recalled distractedly as he bent to start mopping up the coffee from the carpet. He would have to make sure to clean it with some soap and water later so the stain wouldn’t be as prominent. “What about it?”

“Did you watch it?” Chris demanded impatiently. Phil had moved on to trying to soak up the sticky trails that had slipped down his table and he paused.

He hadn’t watched it, in truth. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to but with the increase in various individuals stopping by his flower truck after its release and the ( _usually_ ) shy and unsure requests for selfies...he had been busier than usual for the remainder of October and then, he had made a hasty decision to go down to Luxembourg to check on Ellie.

They hadn’t seen each other in nearly a year and Phil had felt the need to correct that-  _immediately_ \- following Alex’s unexpected and abrupt journey to London.

“I haven’t had a chance,” Phil revealed, picking up the now leaking towel with a crinkled nose. “Should I?”

“You can try,” Chris commented dryly and Phil’s eyebrows shot up. He stared at the mess in his grasp before depositing it on the nightstand without a second thought, rubbing his gummy hands on his jeans. “Though you would have to add ‘deleted’ to your search.”

“He deleted it?” Phil plopped down on his messy sheets to sprawl on his back, pinching his glasses between his fingers so he could squeeze his nasal bone tightly. “Why would he do that?”

“I don’t think it's deleted,” Chris mused. Phil felt a sudden sleepiness tug at him and he sank into the mattress with a little tuneless hum to signal he was still listening. “Just private, and not available to the public. He could have done it at a better time, though.” Chris finished in piqued mutter, sharp raps echoing over the line.

_So, Lou isn’t the only one with ruffled feathers._

“What do you mean?”  Phil coaxed, blinking slowly at the blurriness of his ceiling.

“His fans, they, uh-” Chris faltered for a moment before letting out a forced cough. “They ship you guys.” He then gave an indulgent but vexed giggle. “They want you guys to fuck so bad. Not that I blame them… you both are hot and-”

“Chris,” Phil groaned, breaking into the mindless stream of consciousness babbling Chris tended to fall into. “One, that is too much information. Keep your fantasies to yourself.” The easygoing taunt had Chris snorting in mock derision and Phil stuck out his tongue even though the other couldn’t see the action. “Two, they ship us?”

“Like-whoa,” Chris drawled, stretching out the consonants and vowels slowly and pointedly. “You don’t even know, Phil.”

Phil stared unseeingly at the blur that was the roof of his room. He wasn’t sure how he felt about being shipped with Dan. He couldn’t deny that Dan was...unfairly, breathtakingly gorgeous with his downy hair and the way his lips would push together when he was trying not to laugh, eyes bright with a kittenish quality that never failed to have him smiling, even if he didn’t want to.

Like this moment.

Phil brought his fingertips to skim over his mouth before closing it deliberately, ignoring the pleasant buzz of comfort spreading through his chest and out to the tips of his limbs.

“I thought you would have known,” Chris’ words broke through the not-quite-there thoughts swimming in his mind. “-with all the replies that mention you.”

“I have my notifications off since I was visiting with Ellie and-” Phil cut himself off as his eyes widened as a possibility he hadn’t considered clicked into awareness. “Wait- Mentioning me? Like, by name?”

“Well, yeah,” Chris sounded unsure and Phil heard the agitated raps of something sturdy once more. “And Sunshine’s handle, of course.”

_This could affect my business. It has been positive so far but what if people aren’t getting through with relevant questions?_

“How many mentions are we talking?” Phil mumbled, more to himself than Chris, as he situated his glasses where they needed to be. He forced himself up, crossing his legs to make a perch for his computer, and opened the lid.

“Um…” Chris hedged. Phil’s fingers clacked as he typed his password carelessly. “Well…”

“Chris,” Phil pleaded with a sharp note on the last consonant, moving his cursor to his browser. “Just tell me! Are we talking about a hundred? Two hundred?”

“That’s the low part of the range.” Chris coughed. Phil’s heart dropped into his stomach as his Twitter feed loaded, gaping at the unassuming “886” surrounded by blue sat on his monitor. He froze, listening to Chris breathe steadily, before he gave himself a little shake.

“Eight hundred…” Phil began, tapping on his mouse pad to open the Tweet at the top of the long list.

“It could be worse!” Chris quipped unhelpfully and Phil knew he was trying to be supportive but didn’t quite know a better way to express the sentiment.

“...and eighty six notifications.” He finished and Chris let out a low whistle. “Hold on. I’m reading one of the most recent ones…”

“Phil, that may not be a good idea…” Chris warned but Phil’s pupils were already darting over the black lettering.

**@NotYourAverageFan tweeted: @danisnotonfire @pocketPHILofsunshine Can we talk about the major heart eyes Dan has?? He looks so v soft & Phil is absolutely adorbs. #Phan**

Phil gave a small noise of surprise at the compliment and felt his cheeks flushing at idea that Dan would be staring at him with eyes brimming with barely concealed devotion. A brief flash of those eyes shimmering above him with smouldering embers assaulted him and Phil bit the inside of his cheek harshly until the taste of copper surged across his taste buds and pain pinged along his nerves, wiping the image away.

“It’s not that bad, Chris.” Phil tried to put his friend’s mind at ease, reaching up to press the tip of his thumb between his teeth as he continued to read.

**@LemmeRainOnYourParade replied: Why has this become a thing? We all know that Dan isn’t gay! Get over yourself. #Ruthiel**

Phil grimaced at the reply before he sighed, “I spoke too soon.”

“There’s always going to be assholes hiding behind their keyboard,” Chris spat and a loud crash reverberated over the line. “Do you want me to jump in?”

“That isn’t necessary.” Phil smiled at Chris’ unhesitant offer. “It isn’t an insult to me… just people being heteronormative.”

“You know what I say to that?” Chris jeered before a series of lewd slurping and gagging sounds infiltrated Phil’s ear drum.

Phil screeched, “Chris! I’m trying to read!” before the airy bubbles in his chest escaped him in hysterical giggles.

**@TeenageDerpBag replied: @LemmeRainOnYourParade Fuck off. Let them ship what they want if it isnt hurting u why do u care?? And FYI not gay doesnt mean hes straight**

Phil settled into a thoughtful silence, licking his lips. It was true that not being gay didn’t necessarily mean that a person was straight.

Phil had never felt the pressure to adopt a label but the term “bisexual” stuck after he had used it when he had been too tired or wound up to explain the reasoning about why he refused to classify his fluid sexuality, and after a while… it felt like it fit. It reminded Phil of the multiple never-been used controllers he has bought over the years and how each one refused to yield to his fingers, sticking stubbornly, until it followed his lead without any resistance as time went on.

He remembers that Aiden had been the one to encourage him to use it.

_“It could be your label by default.” Aiden snuffled sleepily into his hair, fingertips resting just under the waistband of Phil’s pajamas as he spooned the other. “It’s just something to say to people who are being nosy pricks.”_

_“I know, but I don’t want a label just because people expect it of me.” Phil paused, enjoying the way Aiden’s body surrounded him, before twisting around until he was eye to eye with his boyfriend. “I should be the big spoon! I’m taller!”_

_“You don’t have to use it, love. It’s up to you- it was just a suggestion.” Aiden chuckled, pushing his lips against Phil’s nose before swiping a slobbery tongue against it impishly. Phil shrieked but didn’t roll away, ramming his nose into Aiden’s clothed shoulder to smear his saliva away. “Not tonight, Dibbit. I want to hold you- shhh! Are you trying to wake up my mum? She’ll kill us. It’s almost four in the morning and I have to get up for practice in two hours…”_

“I don’t mind them being curious,” Phil hoisted his computer up to stretch out his legs, discarding it beside him. “Or having the ships-” Phil demurred, frowning slightly.

“You don’t have to lie to me,” Chris broke in with a troubled edge to his words. “Shipping real people can put a strain on relationships. Fans can get crazy-”

“It can, but they don’t mean any harm,” Phil went on, words sympathetic but dripping with compassion for the people that had been brave enough to tweet at the people they admired, as he tapped his fingers in thought. “I just don’t want them on Sunshine’s account. Maybe I could give out my Twitter? I hardly use it and it would keep everything separated-”

“Nope, nu uh. That is a horrible idea, Phil.”

“Why?”

“I’m sure Lou will back me up on this,” Chris noted faintly, trying to dodge the inquiry with his trademark lack of subtlety and delicacy.

“Why?” Phil repeated, not letting Chris distract him.

_Why are you not answering me? You usually barrel right in with what you think… what’s different this time?_

“Because you are not ready for the invasiveness that comes with engaging with fans,” Chris retorted bluntly. Phil’s lips parted to argue but Chris steamrolled on: “They will ask about  _everything,_  Phil. Even Aiden.” Phil flinched, trying to instinctively get away from an enemy that wasn’t physically there.

_I take it back. I don’t care. I don’t want to know._

“You can barely talk about him with me and Lou and we’re _friends_ -” It seemed as if a dam had been broken because Chris’ words picked up fervor at Phil’s stunned silence. “-which is fine. Completely fine. It takes time to heal but you aren’t helping yourself-”

He doesn’t realize that he’s yanked on the rubber band until his mind slows, centering on the piercing sensation on the side of his wrist. The brief clarity allows Phil to draw in a shuddering breath.

“Chris-” Phil croaked, imploringly.

_Stop._

“No! You need to hear this!” Chris barked with a frenzied edge and Phil squashed his eyelids as close together as he could, fighting the tears starting to boil under their surface. “You aren’t in a good place and I can _hear_  the rubber band, Phil. Just because I- or anyone else for that matter- don’t say anything doesn’t mean we aren’t aware!” Chris was almost yelling now, sniffling. “I know you don’t like to worry people but it’s a little late. We are worried. We are worried because  _we love you_.”

_“I think you need to look into therapy. Or a support group at the very least, Phil.”_

_“I’m fine, Ellie.”_

_“Do you really believe that?”_

Phil sat on his bed numbly, tears zig zagging down his cheeks as he listened to Chris’ laboured breathing and the wet sound of him clearing his throat.

“I-” Phil articulated in an aborted breath before the words came spilling out of him, “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Phil, but you aren’t coping. At all,” Chris commented with an exhaustion that Phil felt in his own bones.

He was tired. So, so incredibly, unbelievably tired.

“We won’t force you to do anything, but we can’t help you- if you don’t seek out support. It doesn’t have to be me,” Chris clarified at Phil’s violent but feeble inhale. “Or Lou. It could be Martyn. Or your mum.” Phil let out an audible cry, shoving his wrist against his mouth to muffle it. “It could be anyone.”

“Okay,” Phil sobbed, at a loss for words. “Okay.”

“I really care about you, man. I wouldn’t be telling you this if I didn’t.”

“I know.”

-

Louise called him within the hour.

He should have expected it but Phil just didn’t have the energy to put up a front so when he answered, he could only manage a weak mumble.

“ ‘Ello?”

Louise didn’t speak for a moment before she exhaled as if there was an unspeakable weight on her shoulders. “He could have gone about it a better way...”

“He’s always been truthful to a fault…” Phil addressed the train of thought that was balancing on Louise’s tongue, ducking his head so his nose was warmed by his duvet. “It’s not a bad thing. Just…” The mane of his stuffed lion tickled his skin as he slid even more under the comforting pressure. “It can be painful.”

“I know, but I think you needed to hear what he had to say,” Louise insisted gently. “Phil, we love you, sweetie, and we are worried. Especially,” Louise broke off and Phil could hear the nervous swallow she took. “If you’ve started with the rubber band snapping, again. Have you-”

“No, I haven’t,” Phil interrupted pointedly with a burst of energy before he deflated, the volume of his speech dampening as he buried himself deeper into the scrap of sanctuary he had claimed. “I can promise you that.”

“That’s goo-”

“Lou, I’m really sorry. I just...I’m not up for this right now,” Phil rasped, eyelashes fluttering against his skin as he closed his eyes. “I’m exhausted...Can we talk later?”

“Sure, sweetie.” Louise gave in without a fuss but sadness permeated the atmosphere travelling across the distance between their apartments. “Get some rest.” There was a pregnant pause and Phil could hear Darcy’s muffled singing, though he couldn’t make out the exact lyrics she had chosen. “I hope you aren’t angry with him. He’s just looking out for you and…we really are worried.”

“I know.” Phil promised, letting fresh tears slid down his face. He didn’t have any desire to move, let alone to force them off his skin. “Bye, Lou.”

-

**From: Dan**

**the apartment is looking a bit drab. where are my flowers, you spork.**

**December 3 1:45pm**

 

**From: Dan**

**phil? phiiiiil**

**December 3 3:15pm**

 

**From: Dan**

**i was watching a documentary. learned that a group of tigers is called an ambush or a streak? did u know that?**

**December 3 5:23pm**

 

**From: Dan**

**peej is in town for a couple days between shoots. he wanted to get some flowerinos. when are u going to be back?**

**December 3 7:44pm**

 

**From: Phil**

**I won’t be selling until the 7th.**

**December 3 8:31pm**

 

**From: Phil**

**And I did know about the tigers! :D They also snuffle to let you know when they are being friendly.**

**December 3 8:31pm**

 

**From: Dan**

**boo philly boo. where have you been all day?**

**December 3 8:32pm**

 

**Phil**

**Sleeping. I wasn’t feeling well.**

**December 3 8:33pm**

 

**From: Dan**

**do i need to bring u soup? i think we have some…**

**December 3 8:35pm**

 

**From: Phil**

**Dan. XD I’m fine.**

**December 3 8:37pm**

-

Phil stared at the phone in his hand, squinting at the too bright flashing display.

_Why is Dan calling me?_

He rested the phone against his chest, darkening his room once more, before drawing in a long breath. He tapped the button to accept Dan’s call.

“Hello?” Phil’s voice was a gravelly baritone and it seemed to give Dan pause. There was the distant echo of music droning in the background and the breeze caused the line to buzz with static before Dan’s precise way of speaking overpowered everything.

“You would know about the tigers. Why am I not surprised?”

“I know a lot about animals,” Phil informed him without much inflection, rotating onto his left side, as he slid a foot into the cool open air of the room. “They are very interesting.”

Dan didn’t jump to poke fun at the known tidbit like he normally would and Phil didn’t rush to fill the emptiness between them. He closed his eyes and simply took in the sounds of the world where Dan was and the minute popping caused by the wind. He felt...faded- like if you looked too closely at him, you would notice droplets of color clinging to his fingertips from where they bled out of the dull monochrome shell he was inhabiting.

He just wanted it to stop for a moment. He needed it to stop.

_It’s not going to...is it?_

“Are you sure you don’t want me to bring soup?” Dan’s voice was hushed and calm as he offered once more and Phil was mortified to find that his tear ducts hadn’t run dry.

“No,” Phil denied him again softly, trying not to sniffle too loudly. “I’m...just tired, Danny.”

_I’m okay. I’m fine._

“Tired or... _tired_?” Dan stressed the second utterance before he broke in: “Hang on, Phil.” and there was a sudden crackling like the crumpling of a piece of paper. Phil could hear Dan’s familiar timbre before a pleasant, feminine tone joined him. They seemed to be chatting and Phil didn’t move, letting the white noise lull him into a semi-awake doze.

Dan returned with an apologetic, “Sorry about that.” and Phil hummed languidly in acknowledgement. He knew that he should probably try and reassure Dan that it really was fine but his mouth refused to cooperate, burdened with not-quite there sleep.

“Are you okay, Phil?” Dan fretted. “Honestly.”

_Don’t worry him. Say it. Say what you always say._

“...I don’t know.” Phil whispered instead, lips loosened in the suspended state his consciousness seemed to have drifted to after this long day. “I don’t know anymore, Dan. Honestly.”

-

**From: Phil**

**Sorry about last night.**

**December 4 8:54am**

**From: Dan**

**for?**

**December 4 11:47am**

**From: Phil**

**Good morning to you, sleepy head.**

**December 4 11:49am**

**From: Phil**

**For falling asleep. I was more tired than I thought.**

**December 4 11:51am**

**From: Dan**

**it’s all good philly. i learned that u snore.**

**December 4 11:55am**

**From: Phil**

**I DO NOT DANIEL.**

**December 4 11:57am**

**From: Dan**

**if u say so.**

**December 4 11:58am**

**From: Dan**

**how are you feeling though?**

**December 4 12pm**

-

Phil stared unseeingly at the blinking line at the end of his newly composed Tweet, cursor hovering over the button to post it. His mind raced with snippets of conversations.

Some were recent and tied directly to the choice he was about to make.

Some were carried from his younger years and didn’t have anything to do with the potential aftermath of this single click.

All of them featured those who had become dear to him.

_“They will ask questions about everything, Phil. Even Aiden.”_

_“I don’t think you need that kind of stress, sweetie. Being the center of attention for fans is a commitment and...you are not in the right headspace to take that on.” Louise had explained in one of the most maternal tones she had taken with him since they had met. “Maybe wait a bit?”_

_“If it makes you happy, son.” Phil’s father’s hand was firm on his shoulder as he met his father’s apprehensive but earnest gaze. “Then...go for it.”_

Phil took a breath, holding the pad of his mousepad down.

_“Sometimes,” Aiden’s heel was balanced on the sliver of chair edge he had available. Phil’s senses were pleasantly numbed by the sugary tasting beverages he had been indulging in all night so he merely giggled at his boyfriend, red-faced and cheery. Aiden crowded him to press a chaste kiss to his nose before biting his plump lower lip seductively. “You have to jump into the deep end. Are you ready, birthday boy?”_

_“I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, Philip, but the people around you have made their stances clear. Whatever you decide, I’ll support it.” He could almost feel the crushing hug his mum would give him if she were with him. “Just be ready to face the consequences.”_

@pocketPHILofsunshine tweeted: Hi guys! If you have questions that don't have to do with flowers, direct them to @AmazingPhil please. Keep this account Flower-PHIL! :)

December 4 6:47pm

-

Phil had his headphones in, staring at the two choices in his hands indecisively. He lifted the box of Shreddies up to peer at the blue container with an unenthusiastic twist of his lips.

_I should get this one. I had sugary cereal the last time…_

He brought the Honey Nut Cheerios box to rest against the other and continued to argue with himself about the merits of having a less healthier option two times in his cereal rotation.

_As long as I go back to Shreddies the next time, it’ll be fine. I think I deserve a bit of yummy unhealthiness in my belly for a bit longer._

_I need to make sure to eat some healthy cereal, though… I need to make sure my diet is balanced._

He didn’t hear the shocked gasp or the rapid squeaks of thrilled converse-clad feet over the warbling guitar riff strumming in his ears so he wasn’t prepared when slim, dainty fingers curved over his shoulder with a playfully firm grip.

Phil jumped. He fumbled with the boxes that slipped from his hold and watched helplessly as they crashed to the floor. The pressure on his shoulder disappeared as he removed both earpieces, reaching in his pocket to flick the jack out of his phone to pause his playlist with a soundless breath of annoyance.

Phil let the wire fall so it dangled from his zipped red jacket before he turned around to face the person who had approached him, loosening his pursed lips and relaxing his jaw into a more neutral but open expression.

She was already kneeling, propped on one knee, to pick up the cereal he had dropped with a startled but lively laugh.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, Phil.” The woman apologized before standing with the boxes held against her chest like a student carrying a stack of textbooks. She blew a lock of straightened, vibrant amber-red hair and Phil couldn’t help but think of how the style suited her.

It was chopped into messy tendrils that were forced flat and brushed her shoulders with even the slightest dip or rotation of her head. She shot him a wide smile and the next statement forced Phil’s wandering mind to focus. “I wanted to meet the boy Dan has been telling me about!”

“It’s okay,” Phil reassured courteously, wracking his brain for the names of friends’ Dan had mentioned the most frequently.

The two that came to mind were Ruth and Sophie because Dan had told him about the chaos the trio found themselves in regularly and how their differences in personalities made for some hilarious outcomes.

Phil didn’t want to take a shot in the dark as to who the friendly redhead was because if he guessed wrong, this already awkward encounter would become unbearably awkward. He shrugged his shoulder good naturedly and gave an abashed giggle. “I’m naturally clumsy so they would have ended up on the floor at some point. I’m sorry.” Phil cleared his throat. “You are…?”

“Oh! You would think that I would’ve gotten better with introductions.” She smacked the side of her head with her right hand before extending it to him. “I’m Ruthine, but you probably heard Dan call me Ruth- which is preferred.” She chattered with a vitality that Phil wished he could sustain and the fond way her lips caress Dan’s name let a joyful but closed lip smile spread across his face. “Pleased to meet you.”

_So, this is Ruth. She certainly seems high-spirited and ballsy like Dan said._

_It also looks like she and Dan are close. That’s good._

“It’s nice to finally put a face with your name, Ruth.” Phil shook her hand before moving it to scratch at the back of his head self-consciously. “How’s filming coming along? Dan mentioned you were really excited for it.”

“It’s fun!” Ruth gushed, crushing the cereal closer to her body as she bounced from foot to foot excitedly. There was a faint crunching with each motion but she didn’t notice. “I mean, it’s tiring, sure, and my feet are always dying at the end because of the shoes but I really enjoy it. I just need to let everyone know on Twitter,” Ruth’s eyes flickered with unflappable joy and contentment. “-but I’m waiting until filming is close to being finished. It won’t be too long now!”

Phil gave Ruth an exhilarated smile and his heart filled with pride for the woman standing in front of him. This woman who was giving off her happiness in a tangible aura and who had accomplished something that meant a lot to her.

“You should be proud!” Phil burst out, bubbling with the positivity exuding from Ruth and his own delight at how well she was doing. “You should tweet as soon as it’s done so everyone can hear about it.” He encouraged, rocking back on his heels. “I’ll favorite and retweet it when you do!”

Ruth’s eyes widened as she considered him with a slight agape mouth before she marvelled, “He wasn’t kidding when he said ‘the embodiment of sunshine’- Wow.”

“I’m sorry?” Phil couldn’t help the way his voice climbed a few octaves within his register, eyebrows shooting up.

“Well,” Ruth began, extending the box of Shreddies to him, and Phil accepted it. He laid it in the handheld basket he had placed on the ground, only sparing the Honey Nut Cheerios a second of silent longing. “I asked Dan to describe you in three phrases.” Phil couldn’t help but tilt his head at Ruth with a crooked grin. She raised a single brow at him, shifting to place a hand on her hip. “It’s something that we do since we meet a lot of people all at once. Anyway,” Ruth sang, sticking the tip of her tongue out at Phil briefly. “The three phrases Dan gave me were: the _literal_ -” Ruth broke up the syllables and put stresses where Dan normally did when he spoke the phrase himself. “-embodiment of sunshine, clumsy as fuck, and ‘my best friend.’ “

Phil could feel the heat radiating from his cheeks and the dampness starting to cover his palms at the words.

_I’m Dan’s best friend?_

He stood motionless as Ruth turned to place the Honey Nut Cheerios on the shelf before he realized that he should speak.

_How do I even respond to that?_

“Well,” Phil’s fingers came to twirl around one of his earbuds listlessly and Ruth waited patiently as he paused, a half-smile playing across her lips. “Dan’s very sweet. He’s told me about you too.” Phil recounted, still recovering from the onslaught of praise. “I believe he said you are ‘the sweetest person. Oh my god.’ “ He couldn’t help but chuckle. “And he warned me that if I became your friend, I may have to prevent some fights and,” Phil hesitated, uncertain if he should disclose this particular descriptor Dan had used for Ruth, before letting it slip. “-that you were cute. He’s right.”

Ruth laughed, fully and unrestrained. “Of course, he would say that. That prat.”

The words were tinkling bells ringing with golden notes of endearment and for a moment, Phil felt his chest seize, but Ruth, thankfully, rolled into her next thought. “I’m sure the words ‘impulsive’ and ‘hot-head’ made an appearance too.”

“...maybe once or twice,” Phil affirmed, smile spreading until his teeth were exposed.

“That little shit,” Ruth quipped before giving an exasperated shake of her head. “See if I help him manage the fans next time he decides to pull a video.”

“They certainly seemed riled,” Phil agreed, bending to grab the list he had scribbled to keep himself on track to hide the nervous jiggle of his knee. “It shows that they are invested in his content.”

Ruth’s eyes flashed with an unreadable glint. “I guess so.” Phil’s brows knitted together as Ruth quieted, top teeth trapping her lip gently. She blinked after a moment, clearing away the cloud of emotion. “It’s different being on the other end.”

“I think I’m starting to get it,” Phil put in quietly, flicking the page in his hand, as he stood. “Lou and Chris always told me that but I didn’t really understand.”

“That’s right! You made a Twitter account for questions, right?”

“Er… I didn’t make it for questions…” Phil ran his hand across his chin, feeling the scratchiness of the stubble he had yet to shave. “It’s actually my personal account.”

Ruth gaped at him, slack-mouthed, before spluttering skeptically, “You can’t be serious?”

Phil simply shrugged in response and Ruth clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle her groan.

“You  _are_  serious!” Ruth lamented before letting a partly perplexed, partly vexed,  _“Phil.”_  ring through the air.

“What?” Phil tilted his head at Ruth who laid a hand on his shoulder solemnly. Phil couldn’t help but notice how she and Dan shared the shallow creases around their eyes that betrayed the amusement buried beneath their quick wit and irritated tone. He relaxed at the familiar sight.

“I am adding you on Twitter,” She vowed, the dark navy of her irises determined. “You’re going to need back up.”

“I have Lou and Chris,” Phil giggled, picturing the two in question posing back to back in matching black suits, grumbling all the while. “Thank you, though. I appreciate the help.”

“Anytime,” Ruth sang, letting her hand fall away to run down the smooth fabric of her jade skirt. “How are you enjoying the spotlight, though? The fandom is intrigued by you.”

“I don’t see why- I’m not very interesting.” Phil gathered his lips into one corner. “They are just curious because I’m a new face.”

“And,” Ruth canted her head before starting a slow saunter down the aisle. Phil gathered his basket, following her lead. “Dan has a horrible poker face when he has a soft spot for someone and people like to jump to conclusions.” She skipped ahead of him, shoes protesting with high pitched cries on the tiled floor, before she spun around with a flourish and a wink. “I have to give it to them...Phan is a very cute ship name.”

Phil knows that it is impossible to feel the Earth rotating beneath his feet but he swears that it suddenly stopped because he stumbles, feet skidding with the momentum that has to be lost somehow. He corrects his faulty equilibrium before he can properly embarrass himself but his breath is caught in an icy lump somewhere in his lungs.

 _Phan is a cute ship name_  rings through his head in a chorus and without warning, there’s heat flooding his cheeks, darkening the tips of his ears, and if his hair wasn’t layered in darkness from a bottle...he’s sure it would be crimson as well. His heart jumped in an irregular rhythm as he rubbed his arm, giving a short, half-suppressed jitter of a laugh.

“You really are clumsy,” Ruth observed dryly, hands outstretched as if she was preparing to catch him. She dropped them with a silvery giggle. “Nice save.”

“Yeah,” Phil choked out, silently imploring his heart to ease into the stable bassline he was used to.

He probably shouldn’t press the subject with how his nerves were crackling like a live wire but he had always been too curious for his own good. “Aren’t most YouTubers against shipping?”

“I’m not a YouTuber,” Ruth reminded him, tucking her hair behind her ear and sweeping it behind her shoulder. “I’m an actress. Shipping comes with the territory but,” She tapped her lips with a single finger. “It is nice when it’s your partner you’re shipped with. Plus, being able to share that part of yourself with your audience…” Phil watches as the muscles around her eyes seem to relax and a simper spreads across her lips. “It’s nice.” The tender expression doesn’t fade even as she snorts. “Dan thinks a bit differently, but I still love him.”

There’s something dark stirring in his chest and Phil feels it slicing down his torso, snarling and demanding to be let out, but he forces it back.

He straightened his posture and slipped into the mask he had come to know almost as well as himself over the last couple of years.

_I’m just tired. I just need to take a nap when I get home._

“So,” Phil nudged Ruth with his elbow, giving her his own cheeky wink. He ignored the sudden weariness weighing down on his body and mind as he prodded her again. “Do you ship it?”

“Phan?” Ruth clarifies, bumping him with her hip in retaliation.

“Mm-hmm.”

The mask is shuddering, barely clinging to him and Phil pretends he doesn’t feel his heart sinking. He pretends that there isn’t envy trailing through his veins as Ruth taps a single finger against her chin, lips pressed together as if in deep thought. He pretends that he doesn’t wish it was him with the glittering eyes and a content, secure smile.

He pretends that he hasn’t seen this same expression in old photographs from what seems like a lifetime ago.

“I ship it,” Ruth concludes finally, fingers skimming over the strip of leather around her neck, playing with the four leaf clover charm in the center absentmindedly. Phil presses his arm closer to his body, basket brushing just under his thigh. “But, it’s got nothing on Ruthiel.”

Phil plays his part. He laughs through lungs threatening to collapse under their burden and delivers his line flawlessly.

“Of course not.”

-

It doesn’t click until Phil is scrolling through Twitter, controller set aside after a sloppy race, that the sluggish synapses of his brain make the connection.  

@danisnotonfire followed you

December 5 2:32am

@RuthineHayes followed you

December 5 5:43pm

Ruthine Hayes. That tweet that had been adamant about Dan not being gay with the hashtag Ruthiel.

Phil pushes his fringe off of his clammy forehead with a quiet groan before he flicks through his feed slowly, taking the time to read the comments and questions people have sent him in the past twenty-four hours.

@danisnotonfire tweeted: @RuthineHayes met a wild @AmazingPhil today. what’s the verdict?

December 5 5:50pm

@RuthineHayes replied: A lot less flowery than expected but lovely nonetheless. I’m keeping him. @AmazingPhil @danisnotonfire

December 5 5:55pm

@Addicted2Stucky replied: @RuthineHayes @AmazingPhil @danisnotonfire I need #Phithine fics yesterday.

December 5 9:45pm

@NotYourAverageFan replied: @RuthineHayes @AmazingPhil @danisnotonfire #Phan or #Ruthiel? Or #Lestowell #Haster And I agree!!! More fics!!!

December 5 10:17pm

@LemmeRainOnYourParade replied: @RuthineHayes @danisnotonfire The REAL question is which do YOU guys prefer? Ruthiel, Phan, or Phithine?

December 6 12:23am

It is four thirty in the morning and Phil is not equipped to handle this after a night of restless tossing and turning and an uneasy sleep plagued with turbulent dreams that leave only the echoes of terror and loss behind. The menu screen of Mario Kart burns his eyes as he stretches out on the floor, making his way down the thread.

@RuthineHayes replied: People will ship what they ship regardless. Though, nothing beats #Phithine, eh, @AmazingPhil? @danisnotonfire? ;)

December 6 12:28am

@danisnotonfire replied: i see how it is. i will take my carton of ice cream and enjoy a movie by myself. maybe i’ll read some phanfiction? who knows.@RuthineHayes

December 6 12:32am

Phil chuckled sleepily. He hadn’t been aware there was fanfiction about them. Was this going to be one of those things that fizzled out?

@RuthineHayes: Jealous, @danisnotonfire? XD I told you I’m keeping him. @AmazingPhil

December 6 12:35am

@danisnotonfire: i think @AmazingPhil should get a say. what do you think, phil?

December 6 12:37am

Phil taps the bottom of his screen, muddled mind tripping over itself to string together an appropriate response and he is carried away by the current of sleep, still covering the glowing letters of his phone’s keyboard.

-

**From: Martyn**

**You really need some sleep, Phil. You looked exhausted today.**

**December 6 3pm**

**From: Phil**

**It’s probably the quality of my laptop’s camera. Makes me look even more pale. I’m fine. :P**

**December 6 3:04pm**

**From: Phil**

**I think you’re right about hiring more drivers for deliveries but I’m not sure if we have enough of a budget to buy out some more vehicles.**

**December 6 3:05pm**

**From: Martyn**

**We could buy some used but with repairs and the repainting of the bodies that will definitely need to happen, it might not be feasible in the long term.**

**Decmber 6 3:07pm**

**From: Martyn**

**You and that ugly yellow.**

**December 6 3:08pm**

**From: Phil**

**Hey! It’s a good color!**

**December 6 3:10pm**

**From: Phil**

**So, hold off for now?**

**December 6 3:10pm**

**From: Phil**

**And Cor approves. You just don’t appreciate the amazing taste in colors I have.**

**December 6 3:11pm**

**From: Martyn**

**Yeah, we’ll wait but it needs to happen. You’re setting up tomorrow, right?**

**December 6 3:15pm**

**From: Martyn**

**And pffft. Cornelia is just being sweet and lying to you.**

**December 6 3:16pm**

**From: Phil**

**Actually shut up and yeah. I’ll be out tomorrow.**

**December 6 3:18pm**

-

_There was a cold, quiet fury in Phil’s eyes as Aiden met his gaze unblinkingly. He brushed past Phil without a word, the plastic of his foot brace clicking on the hard floor of their kitchen, and Phil followed him into the lounge._

_Aiden’s reusable water bottle was wedged into the crook of his arm and Phil set it down on the low coffee table while its owner threw himself onto the couch._

_Aiden ripped the two velcro fasteners secured across his lower leg open with more force than necessary._

_Phil chewed the inside of his cheek before he tangled a hand in his fringe._

_“Aiden,” He sighed, twisting the strands in his hold apprehensively. “I know you don’t want-”_

_“You’re right,” Aiden seethed as he swung his left leg upwards, grabbing his now bare ankle to prop it on his opposite knee, and started to knead the belly of his calf in quick, sharp jabs. Phil caught the disgruntled grimace that Aiden tried to suppress as his bullheaded boyfriend spat, “I don’t want. End of discussion, Philip.”_

_The blatant and direct barb stung and it stoked the fire boiling Phil’s blood. His stomach clenched with the intensity and he sucked in a loud breath, letting it out in a serpentine hiss._

_“Aiden,” Phil echoed, keeping a tight reign on his volume. “Seriously. We-”_

_“I said no.” Aiden was still massaging his tensed muscle resolutely, refusing to glance at Phil. “You are not changing my mind.”_

_Phil could understand why Aiden was evading the subject, could see the slight vibrations travelling along the length of his fingers as he moved to smooth a flat palm down the bunched up fibrous tissue to soothe the persistent ache Phil knew was there. His eyes lingered on the way Aiden’s palm was nearly level with his thumb from this view and remembered that there used to be a pudge, flicking his eyes away as bile churned in his stomach._

_He knew that Aiden was trying to put on a brave face but he was also being obstinate in his denial that things might_  (“Will certainly,” The part of him removed from his dream self’s turbulent thoughts whispered with a weary resignation. “He wasn’t the only one in denial.”)  _spiral out of control faster than either of them were prepared for._

_They needed to talk about it._

_“It’s been two months,” Phil’s rushing blood had his feet wearing a small path in the carpet as he paced in the space between their table and television. “Your symptoms are progressing and even with the foot brace-”_

_“The benefits are only going to last while I still have decent muscle mass and strength,” Aiden interrupted him in a high mocking tone, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back. “I know. I was there, Phil. She’s **my**  physical therapist.”_

_“Still-” Phil insisted, forcing his hand away from his tender scalp._

_“You’re worrying too much.”_

_“Why are you being so fucking stubborn?” Phil doesn’t mean to yell but Aiden’s dismissal of his condition caused the anger that had been simmering to blaze, snapping the frayed thread of his control. “You can’t act like nothing has changed forever! Because it has!”_

_Aiden dropped his leg to the floor with a sickening dull thud as Phil wrestled to even out the angry huffs of air his breathing had become._

_He made a beeline for Phil. He was walking deliberately, raising his foot and setting it down carefully, with a violent storm evident in his eyes._

_“Say that again,” Aiden challenged and Phil’s shoulder blades tensed at the somewhat indistinct murmur, warning bells chiming in his mind. Aiden was hardly ever this quiet, this deadly calm and his eyes were frigid with a barely restrained glint of rage._

_The mosaic of emotions Phil was used to seeing play across Aiden’s eyes were wiped away by this single, overpowering feral reaction and it rendered him speechless for a moment._

_“Do it,” Aiden commanded through gritted teeth and Phil registered that he should fall back, create some space for the both of them, as the air was charged and ready to spark._

_“Stop. Acting. Like. Nothing. Has. Changed,” Phil growled and stepped in to Aiden’s space until they were toe to toe, drawing back his shoulders and elongating his spine to tower over Aiden with the couple of inches he had at his disposal. “We need to talk about the possibility that you will need a wheel-”_

_“Fuck off!” Aiden snarled, grabbing a handful of Phil’s purple Gengar shirt, as he yanked him forward. Phil dug his heels in to keep his balance as Aiden wobbled. “You are not the one who is dealing with this!” Aiden’s arm jerked and Phil let out a grunt as his back was forced to bend so he could drop his torso with the involuntary motion._

_A flicker of alarm widened Aiden’s eyes and he loosened his grip. He, however, refused to relinquish his hold entirely and Phil could feel Aiden’s breath ghosting over his cheeks, could see the way his nostril were flaring, and-_

_“You’re not the one seeing your running time drop.”_

_Phil’s hands fell away from where they had shot up to encircle the wrist of the hand trapping him. Aiden’s line of sight followed the motion. The waves of his hair hid his eyes but his tongue darted out to lick his shaking lower lip._

_“You’re not the one who can’t clean animals’ teeth at work.” Aiden’s volume had weakened but there was still an edge in the way his vowels tore through the air. “I just completed my veterinary nursing degree, Dibbit. You don’t know how that feels.”_

_“Adey-” Phil whispered, reaching a hand out to the other without any conscious input._

(There was something off about the scene. He could sense it- there was an eerie feeling hovering around his dreamscape and Phil didn’t like it, mind scrambling to try and pinpoint the danger.)

_“You aren’t the one dying.” It wasn’t Aiden’s voice that answered him this time and he took a step back in alarm, heel skidding over the carpet uselessly. He toppled backward, dragging the person still clutching his shirt with him and he was met with frightened glistening cinnamon eyes._

_“Dan?” He gasped. “What-”_

_Dan was crushing his ribcage and Phil’s hands tugged at any available surface to try and get him off, throat clenching at the panicked shrieks of his lungs._

_He couldn’t breathe._

_Dan didn’t react to his scrabbling fingers and only repeated, “You aren’t the one dying.”_

_“I-” Phil coughed before he tried to beg, eyes watering. “Plea-I-Dan-can’t-hel-”_

(Was this what it was like to suffocate?)

_Dan’s eyes caught his own unfalteringly as he struggled, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes, and Phil had to be imaging things because as blackness spread across his vision...he could have sworn a few teardrops splattered against his skin to mix with his own._

(He needed to wake up.)

_Dan was lying in a hospital bed that was all too familiar and Phil reached for him hastily, only to yelp in pain as his hand smashed into glass. He cradled it against his torso, watching helplessly as Dan rocked his body with as much force as he could with the dead weight of his unresponsive arms and twitching legs._

_“You’re okay, Danny,” Phil promised the terrified boy, laying both of his palms on the barrier between them. “I’m here. It’s going to be okay.”_

_Dan didn’t seem to hear him, heart monitor climbing with shrill screeches, and Phil banged against the glass to try and get the attention of Ruth who was curled on the lumpy cot provided to visitors._

_She was sleeping deeply even with the chaos surrounding her._

_“Wake up, Ruth!” Phil shouted, battering the glass with closed fists desperately. His knuckles were already starting to ache and swell but he continued his seemingly impossible mission. “RUTHINE! Fuck! C’mon!” There was a crunch and agony careened through the network of his pain cells but his mind was too overloaded with agitated desperation and terror that the awkward angle of his bent fingers didn’t register. “He needs you! PLEASE.”_

_Dan’s eyelashes fluttered against his blotched cheeks and the panicked beeping slowed and Phil saw the peaks of the lines get lower and lower and lower…_

_“NO!” Phil cried and the glass shattered, wedging itself into his hand and wrist- flaying his skin open- ruby beads bubbling from the slices before they gathered and slid down his skin…_

_He felt none of it as he hauled Dan up by his shoulders to crush the boy against his chest, engulfing him with his body as if he could use himself as a shield from the long single note filling the room._

_“Wake up,” Phil whispered, resting a bloodied hand on the back of Dan’s skull gently. “Daniel.”_

_The continuous line showing Dan’s motionless heart didn’t change and…_

_He didn’t answer._

_“Wake up,” Phil repeated hoarsely. “Wake up.”_

_A hand slammed on his shoulder and Phil lifted his head numbly to meet Aiden’s sad, calm eyes._

_“Eventually, I want you to move on, Dibbit. It’s okay. I’m sure they’ll love you more than I do.”_

Phil managed to throw himself to the floor just he was flung into awareness.

He didn’t cry out as he crashed against the carpet with a galloping heart and flooded cheeks. He only raised his hands to his pulsating eyes and rotated the heels of his palms over them with a muted, shuddering sigh.

Phil resigned himself to an early start. He just needed to gather up the shards of his chaotic, worn out, and jaded mind and arrange the pieces into some semblance of stability first.

-

Phil bolted before his mind could properly catch up-grogginess clinging to its buzzing emptiness in a fog. His environment was a smear of hazy, unfocused and too-bright colors and fear thrummed in his veins as he whirled around so his back wasn’t exposed to the presence behind him.

The unmistakable sound of pots shattering pierced through his alarmed and addled brain and he blinked rapidly to rid the sleep clinging to him until his vision sharpened.

Dan was gawking at him. His hands were raised to show the flat of his palms and a hesitant but mischief-making smile had his lips jumping as recognition washed over Phil. His muscles went lax as he welcomed the hasty, snide company he had grown accustomed to instantly.

 _Oh. I missed you, you freakin’ brat._  

“I didn’t expect you to try and take down the table,” Dan coughed as he lowered his arms slowly, the indentation in his cheek appearing as he fought to suppress the urge to flash his teeth at Phil in a mock growl. “Be ready at all times, Philly.”

Phil scowled at Dan for a moment, lips turned down enough to be noticeable, before he gave a lopsided, forgiving smile.

“You’re an ass.” He smoothed his palms down the crinkled fabric covering his chest then brought a fist to his eye to rub it with a yawn. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep...it just happened.” Phil grumbled at the dry scratchiness of his cornea that always appeared after he slept while wearing his contacts. “What time is it, anyway?”

_My eyes shouldn’t be this irritated. I probably have only been asleep for half an hour at most…_

“It’s half past three,” Dan clarified.

_Or not. Holy shit._

Phil groaned as he came to the conclusion he had been out for the better part of three hours. He turned away from Dan’s quirked brows and innocently curious eyes to wander the invisible path he routinely used to check on his plants- poking carefully at leaves, maneuvering hanging vines slowly to check for any blemishes, and pattering his fingertips against soil to check if he needed to add water to any of them that were soaking in the sun.

Dan followed behind him lazily, shadowing his movements.

“Everything is here,” Phil breathed out in relief before frowning at the shards of glass and clay littering the grass around the table he had been napping on. “Not untouched, but here. Oh,” Phil cooed as he kneeled beside the fallen purple calla lilies. “I’m sorry, guys. I cut you up all nice and pretty for a bouquet and now you’re on the floor. Hold on-”

Phil’s thoughtless but loving rambling was interrupted as a thick white vase filled his vision without warning. He followed Dan’s arm upwards until he was met with the juxtaposition of his boisterous laugh and the quiet consideration that his eyes exposed.

“The vase fits their aesthetic,” Dan pointed out, giving the vase in his hand a jiggle. “I bet they’ll be happier in here.”

Phil couldn’t help but note the way his top lip tended to lift higher on one side as he talked ( _probably a sign of his near constant amusement_ ) and the way one dimple appeared and reappeared on his right cheek while the one on his left was always present. He realized that he had zoned out when the cool surface of the vase grazed his cheek.

“Earth to Phil? Are you going to take it or what?”

“Yes,” Phil murmured, still dazed, before his eyes widened. “Oh! Yes! Yes- sorry.” He finally grabbed the vase from Dan to start placing the lilies in it. “I’m still a bit out of it.”

“A bit?” Dan goaded as his pointer finger rapped against the top of Phil’s head. “I think that’s an understatement.”

“Some of us have to wake up early, Danny boy.” Phil retaliated, swishing the lily in his grip towards Dan slowly, grinning when his hair stirred as the other pulled away. There was an insistent tugging as if there was a very thin thread coiled around his heart that tightened so gradually...he only registered the tension when his breath caught at the indescribable _something_  dancing through his bloodstream and it left him aching in a way that he felt he should know and yet... 

 _Ignore it._ His inner voice directed sternly.

So, Phil fixated on the grass kissing his fingertips, on the roughness of the dirt beneath his nails, the solidness of the stem that brushed against him, before a lightning bolt of inspiration struck him. He stifled the smirk threatening to give him away.

_Revenge will be mine and oh, so sweet._

Dan hadn’t moved from his convenient position. His concentration was zeroed in on Phil as it tended to be when they were conversing, and Phil guessed that Dan had taken his pause for one of those moments that Phil wracked his brain for a clever insult or tried to unjumble said insult from his uncoordinated tongue.

_It is perfect. A perfect moment._

Phil crushed said tongue against his teeth to keep the obvious tell under control as he steeled himself, cataloging the spaces where he was least likely to severely injure himself while he put his plan in action, before springing at Dan with an ear-splitting, “BANG!”

Dan’s shriek was instantaneous, high-pitched, and almost unbearably _loud_. He leapt away from Phil, bug-eyed, and plunged backwards. There was a moment of hopeless struggle as Dan’s muscles bunched in fear before he threw his arms back to try and cushion his fall with another yelp.

Phil’s ears were ringing as he descended into an out of control bout of laughter, clutching his stomach with one arm.

Dan splayed his fingers over his beating heart and forced his palm against the area to try and take back the decade of his life he had just lost. “What the actual  _fuck_ , Phil?! You nearly gave me a heart attack, you nutter!”

“Your...face-” Phil gasped, inhaling quickly to refill his straining lungs and some saliva got dragged along with the motion.

He gagged as it hit the back of his throat but he couldn’t help giggling even more. His uninterrupted chortling at the baffled and mildly affronted squint Dan was sporting was breathless and painful as he continued to cough. He smacked his chest forcefully. “I can’t-”

“Serves you right,” Dan grumbled but he was already reaching for Phil, scooting until he could easily maneuver his hand around his friend’s side to slap his back forcefully.“Breathe, Phil-”

Phil was sent into a fresh wave of his slightly nasally sounds of lively amusement, leaning forward into Dan’s chest. Dan lifted his eyes skyward with an affectionate sigh to smother the way his lips were beginning to stretch across his face, letting the tremors of Phil’s slowly dying exhilaration rumble through him. 

“Are you done?” Dan deadpanned after it was obvious that Phil had calmed a bit.

“I-” Phil was deliberately breathing in and holding the oxygen in for several seconds before exhaling. “I think so.” His tongue wagged from one side of his mouth to the other rapidly. “Be ready at all times.”

“You-” Dan growled, jabbing his pointer finger into Phil’s side painfully. Phil squeaked but chuckled, flinching away. “No, Phil.”

“I’m sorry!” Phil cried as Dan poked him again, shying away from the ticklish jolt that travelled down his spine at the invasion of his neck. “I’m done!” He smashed his chin against his shoulder to guard against Dan’s relentless assault. “I promise!”

“If you say so,” Dan hummed without any hesitation, letting Phil catch his breath, before engulfing him in a light brief hug. “How was your trip? I was going to ask before I was so _rudely_  interrupted.”

Phil relished the brief warmth surrounding him, patting Dan on the back softly. “It was good,” He answered automatically but the flow of his words slowed to a hesitant crawl as he kept on. “I visited with Ellie and she had some...interesting things to say.” Phil fought the impulse to squeeze his wrist, settling for rubbing away the unexpected chill skipping along the surface of his arm. “I also saw Sammie for a moment. I still can’t believe she’s eighteen,” Phil murmured, talking more to himself than Dan at this point.

_“Dilip?” Sammie rushed to tackle him, dropping her paint spattered backpack by the door carelessly, and wrapped him in a constricting hug that had him wheezing. Her chestnut blonde hair spiralled in loose billowy locks to tickle Phil’s nose as he swayed from the impact of her landing, chuckling._

_“I see you’ve missed me.” Phil goaded and Sammie released him to slap his upper arm with a huff._

_“I did,” She agreed as a joyous sparkle danced in her irises as her painted ruby lips quirked in a single corner in a sly smirk. “That doesn’t mean you can act like a right twat when you walk in the door. I can still kick your ass in my cheer skirt,” She tacked on with a sassy flip of her ponytail._

_“Samantha!” Ellie’s voice rang out from the kitchen where she had been preparing dinner. “Be nice to Philip!”_

_“I haven’t heard **that**  in a while,” Sammie snorted, ripping the tight elastic band holding her hair back and scrubbing her fingers across her sore scalp. She called back to her mother with an exaggerated whine, “I’m not six anymore, Mum! Dilip can handle it!” She elbowed him pointedly as she went to retrieve her fallen backpack._

_Phil didn’t doubt that there would be tangles when she tried to brush out the puffy mop that her hair had become. He touched the still flat and hairsprayed portion that stopped at the crown of her head with devilishly purposeful fingers._

_“Don’t,” Sammie warned him but Phil twisted a chunk of her hair and tugged on it with a moderate amount of force. Her nose crinkled with annoyance but when Phil grinned, she mirrored the action._

_“Nice mane.”_

_“Actually shut up.”_

“Who’s Sammie?”

“Oh.” Phil mentally scolded himself for his oversight-  _Of course, Dan doesn’t know who Sammie is_ \- and he inclined his head in a silent apology. “I haven’t mentioned her, have I? She’s Aiden’s younger sister. I’ve pretty much known her all her life since she was six when Aiden and I shared biology class.”

“Six?” Dan parroted in disbelief, eyelashes framing his open eyes owlishly before stressing the word once more. “Six?”

“Yes, Dan.” Phil couldn’t help but jest, nudging the other with a stabilizing palm against his sternum.  “Sammie was six when I met her for the first time.”

“How old were you?” Phil could practically see the gears spinning in Dan’s mind as the words cascaded from the other’s lips in a rush. “You’re twenty-six and she’s eighteen which makes her eight years your junior. If she was six when you met, then you would be…”

“I was fourteen,” Phil contributed in an unperturbed and level inflection, entertained by the riled energy that was always lurking beneath the detached and calm front Dan liked to put on leaking through his rapid and exasperated speech. “It’s basic arithmetic, mate.”

“Shut it,” Dan parried without a beat then lapsed into a single breath of silence before bursting out: “Fourteen? Really?”

“Yup,” Phil shifted to stretch out his right leg from underneath him, being mindful of the glass still scattered around them, while he relocated the vase of lilies to rest next to his hip. “She was much shyer back then. Just as much of a brat but she was quieter.”

“And she knew you and Aiden were…?” Dan trailed off, letting the tail end of his timid question hang between them.

Phil pinched the fabric of his jeans between his fingers quietly, trying to ignore the unpleasant fluttering of his pulse at the base of his throat where his heart had decided to nest itself, making him uncomfortably aware of his need to draw in air.

_Dan is your friend. You need to open up… even if it is just a little bit._

_I don’t want to do this…_

_You trust him, don’t you?_

Those five words caused the invisible strings of the mask of his persona to come undone and as Phil caught Dan’s gaze...he couldn’t bring himself to care as he took in the reserved curiosity reflected in the depths. There wasn’t any hint of judgement or any inkling of Dan wanting to push Phil past his comfort zone and the unspoken acceptance that a nonanswer wouldn’t be met with any resistance and taken as a reply in and of itself...

The tension that had gathered at the base of his neck drained away as he took that leap of faith.

“Of course, she did.” Phil closed his eyes as he spoke, letting the image of a Year 10 Aiden leaning into his personal space coalesce behind the darkness of his eyelids. “Imagine if you will,” Phil raised his hands, squinting into the sunlight, and gestured as he talked. “A nine year old Sammie- who is 150 centimeters  _now_ , mind you- threatening to hide my body if I so much as made Adey shed one tear.” A gritty chuckle escaped him without warning and Phil stuffed his arms under his apron. “She was in her princess phase and was wearing a flower crown littered with roses. She was adorable and trying to scare me. I can’t say that it worked but…”

_The framing of her flower crown was bent and uneven causing it to slip over her eye but Phil had schooled his features to match the pursed lips and furrowed brows of the young girl blocking his way._

_He was seventeen and had just broken six feet of gangly limbs so Sammie raised herself on the tips of her toes to try and lessen the two foot height difference between them. She was a flawless replica of her mother as she refused to budge from the kitchen doorway, fingers wrinkling the baggy shorts she had donned to romp around in the garden that she, Aiden, and Phil had joint custody of._

_“I heard you kissed my brother.” Sammie didn’t beat around the bush and moved with him as he tried to sidestep through the gap between her and the wall._

_“If you want to get technical,” Phil sighed with a small dopey smile as he swivelled his head at Sammie’s antics. “He kissed me first.”_

_“It doesn’t matter,” She dismissed with a wave her hand before stomping forward with a demanding jab of her finger towards the tiles. “Come here, Dil-Philip.”_

_Phil sunk down to one knee without a fight, sinking his teeth into his lower lip to keep his composure. He knew that Sammie adored her brother and was adamant about protecting him. If this was what she needed to feel comfortable with the shift of his and Aiden’s relationship, he would listen to what she had to say._

_“You remind me of your mum.”_

_“Don’t tell her that,” Sammie muttered before laying her hands on his shoulders uncertainly, obviously not quite comfortable scolding who was essentially her second older brother but wanting to make her stance clear. She was relying on how she had seen her mum handle serious conversations, and Phil was treating her with the same muted respect as he had for Ellie. It gave her the courage to square her shoulders and jut out her chin. “You know the garden? Make Den-Den cry and I’ll bury you underneath the daisies.”_

_Phil could only nod or he wouldn’t be able to control the way his lips were jumping at the corners with the explosion of hilarity he was reining in._

_“I mean it, Dilip. I’m pretty sure Papa would help me,” Sammie grumbled, miffed by his lack of a proper response and her lower lip started to tremble. “He’s my big brother. I hate his face sometimes but I don’t want to see him cry, okay? He was so upset when you were with that girl last year! He didn’t come out of his room for days and-and-”_

_Phil opened his arms and even though she had been trying to be strong, Sammie accepted the tranquility that always washed over her when Phil gave her a hug. She sniffled, hiding her face against his neck, and he hoisted her up to rock his weight from foot to foot before making his way out of the kitchen._

_“ ‘M not a baby.” Sammie didn’t move from her spot as she protested weakly. She hit him with kittenish swipes against his chin halfheartedly._

_“I know,” He passed through the lounge, keeping his words hushed. “Let me tell you a secret?”_

_“What secret?”_

_“You’re a good sister and,” Phil let his voice become a wisp, able to nearly be carried away by the whir of the air con through the house. “I won’t hurt Adey...I really care about him, Sammie.”_

_“I will still bury you in the garden,” Sammie broke in even as she draped her other arm around his shoulder. “Are we going to Ade’s room?”_

_“Good to know Aiden has such a scary sister in his corner.” Phil’s vocal cords were strained with his unexpressed delight at his boyfriend’s charming sibling. He rubbed her back mechanically and groaned affably, jostling Sammie as he made sure to keep his hip dragging along the wall as he placed his foot on the bottom most step to keep himself (and Sammie) safe as he trudged up the rest. “I guess you can come for a bit but don’t cry if I drop you on accident- you’re heavy!”_

_“Hey!”_

“She sounds like a handful.” Dan chuckled and Phil took a moment to soak in the little nuggets of nostalgic joy the memory of Sammie had dug up. There was something bubbling in the cavity of his chest with the bite of freezing carbonation but the sweetness of cola when he had spent the day craving it and Phil smiled as it frothed and rose to give him the tranquility that had gone astray for the past week.

“You have  _no_  idea,” Phil stressed before adding thoughtfully, “She once put mayonnaise in the conditioner bottle. It may be good for hair but the _smell_. Ugh.”

“So you knew that you liked only lads when you were fourteen?” Dan clapped a hand over his mouth in horror, grinding his teeth. Phil had become well acquainted with the wince Dan wore when his mouth overrode his mental filter. “I didn’t mea-”

“It’s…” The tip of Phil’s tongue was in the process of wetting his suddenly dry lips when Dan’s word choice seeped through the spike of anxiety clouding his brain. “Wait- ‘only’ lads?- have you  _seen_  Sarah Michelle Gellar? I’ve had a celebrity crush on her since I  _discovered_  Buffy.” He couldn’t help cracking up, pressing his arms against his stomach, and let himself slant backwards before he corrected his position. “I like girls, too, Dan. Even lost my virginity to one. Her name was Angela.”

Dan stuttered, “Oh. Well, then, that-um-that’s…” and Phil watched as the roundness of his cheeks steadily gained vibrancy until he was positive they couldn’t get any more crimson. “Um?”

“It is what is,” Phil shrugged nonchalantly as he swung his legs so he could rest on his heels. “I don’t care much for labels, honestly. I never have but if it helps: I’m bisexual.”

“You-uh-don’t have to label yourself for me.” Dan seemed to be reeling- brain scrambling to find his usual clever but meticulous way of speaking and failing horribly.

The tweet that had insisted that Dan was straight came to Phil’s mind and his face dropped slightly.

_Perhaps…_

That little niggling inner voice started to whisper and Phil rushed to shut it down.

_No, no. Don’t jump to conclusions. You have only mentioned Ade as a partner and he probably thought you were purely into guys. Remember you haven’t been with a girl since...geeze, was Angela really the last?_

_What if it’s a problem? Liking guys and girls?_  That voice interrupted his wandering thoughts insistently and Phil couldn’t help but hate the worry that never dissipated whenever his romantic inclinations were brought up. It was tiring, irritating, and unfair to Dan.

Dan hasn’t don-

“It’s fine. All fine.” Dan clarified in a rush and relief washed over Phil. Phil sighed and Dan fiddled with his earring for a second before he cleared his throat. “I...uh...I have a celebrity crush on Harry Styles so like- same.”

Phil’s heart soared at the shy way Dan’s pupils flicked to him and that unknown, indefinable sensation tumbled together with the serene blissfulness still filling his chest. He peered at Dan from beneath his dark lashes with a demure, “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Dan ran his thumb over the curve of his nails since he couldn’t conceal his fidgeting with the cover of a jumper. “J-Law is pretty rad too.”

Phil let out a breathy chuckle because Dan was immersed in so many fandoms and he knew that once Dan settled in the knowledge that he knew about his celebrity crushes… there would absolutely be a stream of texts gushing about their greatness and screenshots of various tweets with commentary.

Oh, how he adored Dan- who was definitely working himself up, judging by the way he had started plucking at an imaginary thread along the seam of his jeans.

“Come on,” Phil chided, grabbing the vase of lilies he had nearly forgotten about. He expected the little crease that appeared between Dan’s brows and the impatient flick of his wrist that urged Phil to elaborate. “You should help clean up this mess that  _you_  created.”

“You were the one who tried to take down the table and,” Dan sassed as he squatted next to a cluster of sweet peas, thumb caressing over some of the crushed blooms mindlessly. “You’re the one who fell asleep.”

“You’re the one who startled me!” Phil argued before he caught sight of the ruined flowers, frowning deeply. He let out an unhappy gush of air before he rested his hand over Dan’s wrist to stop his movements. “Leave those.”

“Why?” Dan’s fingers coiled more securely over the fragile stem. Phil let his hand lift from Dan’s so he could sit on his bum, continuing to place the dark lilies still strewn about in their new holder.

“The stem is snapped and the blooms are squished. It’s not aesthetically appealing,” Phil explained, trying to pinpoint the emotion underlying Dan’s surprising query.

He didn’t sound angry exactly, but there was a definite acidity lurking beneath the single word. It was common sense as to why Phil couldn’t sell damaged wares but Dan had a tendency to jump from the surface level of a situation to metaphysical ponderings of how his, society's, or Phil’s ways of thinking translated into reality. Sometimes, Phil would catch on and others he would have to wait until Dan was ready to reveal the chaotic state his thoughts would twist themselves into at times.

(Sometimes, the way Dan flipped from their lighthearted bants to the serious demeanor that came with his philosophical musings left Phil’s mind pirouetting confusedly on its axis...like this instance.)

“I know,” Dan whispered and he laid the sweet pea back on the ground. “I just…it’s still pretty, you know? And it’s just going to sit here and rot…”

“No, it’s not.”

“It’s not? I thought you couldn’t sell it?”

“I can’t,” Phil pushed himself up so he could stand, dusting off his jeans. The glint of his metal cash box caught his eye and he lifted the arrangement of lilies with a quiet, “There’s a better option for them.”

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted to my Tumblr: loveinthebones


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